Tag Archives: nostalgia

Art Journal #10: Flame Yo


I’ve moved passed the airbrushes and tried out a harder and rougher texture. I was really happy with the result! Thank god I saved the brushes I used. I will experiment more until I’m satisfied with the look. The key for controlling the colors is a chiseled eraser which is a default brush in Photoshop. Another development here are the highlights. This is why my past pieces looked dull and dark.

I guess one thing I didn’t really like are the thick outlines (I’ve been trying line arts for a while now and I still have a long way to go!). Don’t get me wrong I’ve seen pieces with outlines but I still have to figure out how they work.

That’s about it. I’ll see you on the next piece!


Roads To Take

Here’s what’s been happening recently. Well, I am not quite sure how recent these stories are. But here’s the thing, I’m starting to feel okay about not writing as often as I used to. I’m starting to accept the fact that I can’t really do everything and that there is a limit to the list of priorities we have to do in every single day.

First things first. There was a company outing that happened just the weekend before Labor day. It wasn’t as grand as last year, there were no island hops or boat rides or treks or any of that kind. But I had fun, because for one thing, there were more of us compared to last year.

Yeah I forgot to tell you that there are part timers and interns right now so the office is packed than usual. Another thing is that I have been dying to get outside the office this summer and experience the sun (well, we all had too much sun considering we fried ourselves outside till noon). I’m guessing everyone needed a day off as much as I did.

Second, I bought myself a bike. Yeah, I kind of been keeping myself active. I felt like my health has been depleting lately; my hair is falling out, my blood pressure is getting lower than it already is, I get out of breath just by walking up the stairs, my weight is almost below normal and my period is later than scheduled. And these things that’s been happening on my body is seriously scaring the fuck out of me.

So I needed to start with keeping my body as active as I can and decided a bike is exactly what I need. At first, I just really wanted to go explore the town and I sort of wanted a bike that is not as intimidating as a mountain bike. Like a cruiser bike! Which is a chill and a really cute bike. Where you can even put a little basket in front and it’s like you’re this village girl with flowers on your hair and you’re biking around the prairie. That was the plan!

And then this salesguy in the bike shop kept on persisting me to go with the mountain bike because he said it’ll last even the farthest distance. Dude, I have no plans on going the farthest distance, I just wanted to ride around town??? Plus I can’t even ride a mountain bike??? But then he told me to try it.

Okay, in my lifetime, my experience in biking is not really that rich. I was actually forbidden to go biking by my mother because she told me it was not for girls. But there was a bike at the market that is just right for my 10-year old size. It was owned by one of the helpers there. And every afternoon, I would tell my mom I would go to the market to, you know, help my dad with business and stuff. But I didn’t do a single thing there that involved helping, which was okay with my dad, to be honest. Instead, I would hang out with the helpers there as they’d teach me how to ride a bike. Believe me, they’re like the older brothers that I never had. Plus, I was pretty sure my mom knew about this escape and she didn’t say anything.

And that’s it. The 10-year old sized bike was the only experience I ever had with biking. How am I supposed to ride this monster that is larger than I am? But I did. Holy shit, I did. Of course, I was absolutely terrified. The elevation that I felt was very unfamiliar and it was as if the bike was controlling me and not the other way around. Every pedal was a panic despite having zero cars in the area.

I didn’t want it. But at the same time I also knew that I would go nowhere with the comforts of a cruiser bike. I needed to get myself used to the thing that terrifies me. So I picked the mountain bike. See here that I am taking the road not taken.


The day it was delivered home, I was excited, of course. But there was that terror again despite my dad being behind me the whole time. I kept on forgetting about the breaks and my hands were wobbly. This time, it came from my fear in everything that had to do with roads.

As much as I love roadtrips, I never wanted the responsibility of decision making in that great big open space that we call the road. It’s like a community in there where people communicate with telepathy and hand signals. And yes, the road that I took was not even a highway, but I was really scared. I was starting to feel like I just made a big mistake of purchasing this two-wheel, human powered mode of transportation because I was not quite sure if I wanted to ride it anymore.

Now, if my boyfriend hadn’t given me this set of headlights and this adorable bell to encourage me, it would have been a long time before I try that bike one more time.

Fast forward to now, I’ve been biking around town with my childhood friends on the early mornings that we can. The most memorable thing about that would probably be the time we went back to our elementary school.

It was an early Saturday morning so the place was almost empty. As we walked around the campus, we pointed at particular places and reminisced stories that happened there. And omygod I was so filled with nostalgia I could almost see young versions of ourselves running around in front of the classrooms.

And that’s about it, I guess. In week, we’ll be going on a trip to Calaguas and I am excited. So excited my feet clenches just from the thought of it. I do hope that I will be able to talk about it when I come back.  Anyway, I am now running out of words so I guess I’ll be going now.


It’s always fun to look back on the person you used to be and the stupid things you did and how far you’ve got to where you are now. And you’d probably think about the things you could have done and also the things you wish you didn’t. But then again based from the laws of temporal paradox, if you had and hadn’t done those things, then you wouldn’t be thinking about doing and not doing…those things.

So I was 16 when I entered college and well, I was a different person back then. I’m not saying I’m already perfect now. I mean, chances are in a few years, I’ll probably look back at this exact moment and think about the things that could have and shouldn’t have done.

But I wrote a list of the few things I would tell myself four years ago. You know, just in case I had a chance.

  1. Detachments are horrible fuckers but that doesn’t mean they are not important.
  2. Shipping your friends are fun. But always support them with their current relationship even if it did not end the way you want it to be. Remember that whoever the person they end up with makes them very happy.
  3. Don’t hate girls. Instead, protect them and work with them to end patriarchal oppression.
  4. Your relationship with your parents will get stronger and you’ll find yourself getting clingier as time goes by.
  5. You are going to have weird romantic thoughts among your friends. The classic “what ifs”.That’s okay. Just as long as you will not dwell on those thoughts too much because it’s gonna get complicated if you do.
  6. Stressed? Upset? Furious? Bored? Take a stroll around the city. It will make you feel better. (also, stop by the Booksale if you have the time.)
  7. Always find time to read.
  8. Rape and racist jokes are not funny.
  9. You do not get to hate the people who love the stuff that you hate. And you do not get to hate the people who are confident with themselves. Hate will get you nowhere.
  10. Listen to the songs your friends love. Those are their stories.
  11. “Guilty pleasure” is a social construct. Scream your guilty pleasures to the world.
  12. Coffee gives you power but should be used with great caution.
  13. You will never see films the same way again.
  14. When you apologize, don’t make it passive and make sure you take responsibility of your mistakes.
  15. When you forgive, you are to not bring up the mistake of the person. Like ever.
  16. Don’t sleep anymore if you’re only going to sleep for like 1-3 hours. You’ll get a headache.
  17. Don’t slam your keyboard or punch the monitor when the software has error. Learn to stay calm even when things fuck up.
  18. Give people time to grow. Don’t hate them for their choices and opinions because you yourself were on the same place and mindset before.
  19. Be genuinely proud of the people who came out.
  20. Write when you feel like it.

I Found the Fantastic Feelings

I’m not crying. It’s just a trailer of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them on my eye. Like how am I even alive right now? OMG

This is a really, really big deal for me because it’s been a while since I last put excitement in my heart for a Harry Potter film. Well, technically it’s just an extension of the world of Harry Potter but it’s still really important. The feelings may not be exactly the same as the last time but we don’t really have a choice. It’s the only thing we have these days.

I’m not saying that the whole craze is dead (because it will never be), I’m just saying that this is a whole new beginning to everyone who had ever loved the world that queen J.K Rowling has built. I can still feel the sting of July 15, 2011. That was the release of the final installment and I was really really sad it’s like parting from an old friend.

You know, funny thing about books is that you can really feel how long the span of years the story took place. Like for example, in the Harry Potter series, it took 7 years of adventures with him and IT DID FEEL LIKE 7 YEARS HAD PASSED even though you’ve read the series for like…idk…two months? I FELT IT. It felt like I too had some maturity gained from each book. Even in the epilogue part, I still felt like I was part of it.

Now matter what part of the timeline in the story the author was telling me, it never felt like a flashback or a fast forward. To me, it was always present tense. And I am there.

I don’t know if this makes sense but that’s one thing why I like reading. It’s like being in an Avatar State where your physical body is in a certain position you find comfortable with a book on your hand and your soul being in another world waving wands and fighting off monsters and training dragons.

And you don’t even have to move around. Well, you can make a face or read some cool dialogues aloud (I do this a lot at home, I would want to talk about this sometime) and the feeling would still be so raw that you could feel the exhaustion, the nostalgia, the loss, the relief and all the things you can relate with the characters until the very last page.

The film may not have Harry, Ron, Hermione or any other familiar characters but that feeling of seeing an old friend once again after a very long time is the same as watching this 1 minute trailer.

Lermaniac circa 2011

I don’t have anything new to talk about. I was planning on making a review on The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde (it involved weird affections towards a friend, overly dramatic characters,  betrayal and quotes to think about from a character who is as bitter as a young Holden Caulfield) but I am too lazy to have some further research for that review.

I found something from my past though that is quite…scandalous? And since we are already talking about beauty and obsession, I think this thing that I will be showing you is going to be relatable.


This is a letter that I wrote to an actor named Logan Lerman back in 2011(?) I believe this was the time I was basked in the Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan to which Logan played as Percy in the movie adaptation. I don’t remember why the did I think of writing this creepy and really pathetic appeal to someone who doesn’t even know my existence. But then again, I already made entry about this obsession so I guess you’ll have a clue on the amount of love I was willing to give to this boy.

Right now, I just laugh about it but if I could just be given the chance to go back in time to when I was writing this, I would grab the fucking paper and shove it to my 14 year-old mouth just to give her an idea on how disgraceful she’s being.

And if you’re wondering what the fuck did I write, read on. But be warned, I’m already cringing while typing it.

Dear Logan,

I’m not really the kind of girl who’s really desperate on meeting you or just simply seeing you. Because I’m not really expecting it would happen. I mean, look at us! We’re…we’re different. You’re a celebrity. I’m not. You’re rich, I’m not. You’re beautiful, I’m not. It just doesn’t make any sense in meeting you. But you’re the realest crush I had since I started having one. It’s just, it doesn’t seem right. I don’t know, I love you, but I don’t think you even notice me. Unfortunately, I don’t think you even know me. And that’s another thing we don’t deserve each other because you don’t even know me. No, not even close. 

I’m so stupid on falling for you. It’s just that I can’t resist you. You’re so…so lovable that any girl would never stop spending time with you. I hope you read this letter. Which is another thing why we’re not meant for each other. I mean, who would ever want a girl who’s penmanship is as bad as mine.  

Oh Logan, if only you knew. How hard it is to fall in love with you. You’re so far away. I don’t even know if I could ever reach you. I really hope you read this letter. This contains everything I feel about you, this relationship. But I know you can’t read this letter. But if you want to I’ll read this for you, come here… (OMYGOD I can’t believe this bitch just gave her address) I’ll hope find me. 

I love you. 


Holy shit this is just too gross. But for the record, this kid’s got a big heart and I forgive her for that. And clearly, she’s still years behind the idea of heartbreak.

Christmas Night with The Kids

Yesterday, which was Christmas Day, I spent the entire night at my friend’s place along with few of my friends from childhood. My friend has got an extra bottle of booze from last night’s drink with his sister and he wanted to gather some people to drink it with him. Of course, we became his first option because all of us live in the same town and were just a couple of minutes away from his house. Plus, it’s been a while since the last time our small group hung out.

We talked about a LOT of things. All those years we spent in that small, public elementary school in a town where we lived most of our lives, it was like the ultimate throwback. We talked about the teachers who taught us more about cleaning than their actual lessons. We talked about the most creative role plays we came up with. We talked about the competitions we went. We talked about the embarrassing punishments we faced. We even talked about the people we bullied (yes, I had to admit, I was a bit of a bitch back then).

Relevant story about bullying, we had this classmate and we pestered her for like, her entire 3 years of being in our class and our friend told us that just recently, in a subject in which she was her classmate, that girl that we bullied opened this up to everyone in that class and poured out her bitterness towards all her bullies (which includes us). And our friend told us how awful and awkward it felt to her because everybody knows they were classmates in elementary.

Anyway, before we felt awful of ourselves because of what we have done, she added that, we bullies, became that girl’s inspiration to strive in her life and study harder and all that stuff. So I guess it wasn’t bad at all(?) I mean, I’m not endorsing bullying to motivate everyone to do better in our studies but well…to be honest I don’t really know what to feel about it. I’m just glad that it’s all in the past and we’re not that mean anymore. I hope.

Aside from that we also wondered when is this going to happen again. Because, seriously finding time is getting harder and harder to achieve as we reach our last years in college. But deep down, I guess we’ll manage. We always find ways to reach one another. My sister once told me that she envies us because she don’t see much of her classmates in elementary as often as we do. My mom is also happy that we never changed one bit. Our parents knows every one of us and I think they’re all cool with us as well.

We’ve been friends for more than a decade and seeing ourselves getting all red and tipsy while we talked about our pasts made me think how lucky I am to be friends with these people. I mean, they belong to the longest friendships I ever had. I’ve seen them grow boobs and deepen their voices and achieve some height and change their hair. It was these people who witnessed all the lamest and most shameful decisions I made when I was a kid and it would still be them who would remember them all and laugh at me when they do.

Yep. These were from 6th grade to summer of 2012 to last night. Just look how time flies.


who would have thought we were a bunch of these adorbs?


That Fucking Class at 6

My head’s a little fuzzy, I feel like I might throw up so this might be short. I just got home from a friend’s house and alcohol was involved which explains my current state. It was the first time that I cried while drinking. I don’t know what the hell happened. I was full of emotions and I was missing a lot of people and I just want to lay down and cry. Which is what I did.

My friends say that one reason of feeling that way is that maybe I had this unresolved issue in my life that was triggered by our conversations. And I’ve been thinking about that possible issue but nothings seems to fit. I was just upset and I don’t really feel like talking about it to anyone because what the hell am I supposed to say when I can’t even look for a reason to be upset about.

And not knowing what it is is a bit frightening.

Also the mini heart attack I had when my mom asked me where I’ve been was priceless. I wonder what the fuck did I smell like.