Tag Archives: love

6 Months

I just want to stop by and talk about work. I just realized I don’t really talk about my job much because I don’t think it’s…polite? proper? I don’t know, when you’re putting stuff out there in the internet, there are specific things that you avoid talking about. Things that may affect your relationships, your career and even your future. Also, there isn’t really much to talk about because…I don’t talk about the lectures that I listened to when I was still at school. It’s the same like that.

But something really divine happened. Nope, it’s not a promotion or an increase or anything like that. I just finished a 3D-animated video that explains how a certain machine works. I can’t tell you the details involving it but there’s a lot of things I can tell you about how it was like working on it for more than half a year. Yep, it’s one of the longest project I’ve ever had in my career.

At first, I was genuinely excited. I’ve had 3D projects before and they’ve all been fun and fulfilling. So at the beginning of August 2017, I was happily making assets and trying out different lights for the scene. There were revisions regarding the placements and the models but it was okay. It was part of my job. Until halfway through the animation process and the revisions started to go on a different path. It turns out that I failed to really grasp what my client envisioned. The final output was starting to get blurry. And the deadline was getting further and further away from what we had all expected. What everyone had expected of me.

Christmas and New Year came and went, I was still fixing a lot of things. I welcomed 2018 with more frustrations. I wasn’t able to help in other projects because I was stuck with this one. It wasn’t even supposed to be difficult. When you look at it in an animator’s point of view, it’s really just a simple 1-minute clip. The characters were simple stick figures, the cameras were placed in just one angle and the simulations were minimal. It wasn’t supposed to take this long.

That was when I started doubting myself. Maybe I wasn’t really that good. I never dreamed of becoming the best. But I sure as hell never wanted to be the worst. But that’s what it felt like. It felt like I failed my client, my boss and myself. Even if they were nice and patient enough to point out the stuff that needed fixing, there were voices in my head that weighed me down. Why do I keep making mistakes? Why do I miss the important details? Why am I taking so slow? And I started to compare myself to everyone else as they finish one project after another. Sure, it’s really about the quality over quantity but holy shit every output they produce were so good that I cannot even look at my own work anymore. And I started to think about how we all started the same way and how much everyone else has achieved and learned. What did I learn from the past year? And I started to hate myself.

Every revision became an ordeal. Every comment, no matter how nicely delivered, gave reasons for the voices in my head to start whispering awful stuff. Everyday, I carry this weight as heavy as the machines this project was about. I lost the passion for it and the drive to help my client. I was making the revisions with the mindset of wanting to finish it. Not wanting to create a fulfilling output. As much as I hated to admit it, I stopped caring.

And that’s when I started to see a light at end of the tunnel. It was just a tiny speck but I can feel it was out there. You know how when you’ve been on a really long trip on a bus or a car and you suddenly feel that you’re almost at your destination? And there’s this excitement in the air and people start to sit up straight. And they crane their necks and they press their noses on the windows. It was as if the energy came back to the same level it was at the start of the journey.

It was on that penultimate moment that I started to pick myself up and the voices started to fade. The excitement I felt was back as if the whole revisions and frustrations never happened. I got focused on fixing it and I was even making extra effort in making it better. Of course there were still a few mishaps along the way, but it didn’t bother me anymore. because I knew where the project was going.

And I did it.

The moment my boss gave the thumbs-up for the final render, I LITERALLY dropped and rolled on the floor because the euphoric feeling was too much for me to contain. Of course, I didn’t actually do it in front of him, I still had to go back to my seat and stuff.

And that was it. It was a roller-coaster of emotions before I got here. And I am left with nothing but feeling of gratitude for the whole experience. And I’m looking forward to more projects. Even the dreadful emotions that come along with it.

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Love and Movement

Daily Prompt: Courage

February 14 was an important day. Nope, it’s not because it’s Valentines Day (although C and I managed to scrape a few minutes during lunch time. We were both drowned in our own deadlines that day). And it’s not because it’s also Ash Wednesday. I did something and it’s one of the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I spoke about women and human rights and how wrong rape culture is.

There’s this thing in the office that we do twice a week wherein someone from the team gets to pick a topic they’re interested in or passionate about. Then, they would discuss it in front of the whole office. After that, the audience gets to share or ask questions. It’s like a typical show and tell except we don’t get grades from it. Personally, it’s really fun because you can really tell a lot about a person from the topics he/she chooses.

So I was assigned to discuss that day. Well at first, I was having second thoughts because I was clouded with doubt. What if people wouldn’t get me? What if they judge me for being too angry about stuff? What if they accuse me of hating men too much? What if they shake their heads in disagreement? What if someone from the crowd asks a question and I wouldn’t know the answer to? But the need of speaking about it was stronger than these doubts so on Sunday night (I was due to report on Wednesday), I was doing research and making notes. There was no turning back.

When I spoke in that room, I was so determined of making people understand what women go through everyday. I even shared my own experiences as a woman in the society and how I was treated because of it. I also made sure that my discussion won’t be female-centered because I wanted to invite the male population. I was careful with my words and avoided saying things that might offend them (and men get offended by everything). Which means not pointing out the things that they are but the things they are “programmed” to be–so as to not sound as if I was blaming them.

Okay since the world is full of political arguments these days, here’s a quick tip on how to let yourself be heard by someone from the opposing side–forget the facts and empathize. Sure, facts are facts but are they willing to acknowledge them? No. So, there’s really no use of listing down all the things they are wrong about. They won’t listen. People will believe what they want to believe. Here’s what you should do–you talk in their language and speak about the stuff that they understand. Reach out and listen. Yes actually LISTEN to them no matter how bullshit their facts are. Because only then, you get to understand why they think that way. You listen to the things they care about and that’s when you explain how their beliefs will endanger these things. Don’t mock them or be mad at them. These things will only make things worse. And even if, in the end they don’t listen, give them time and retain that respect.. Remember, before all these you yourself were also ignorant of these views and you were also as apathetic as they are. So be patient and empathize.

Now back to where I was, even though my audience was small (not more than 25 people), the whole thing was an accomplishment. I was so happy that people were asking questions and making arguments. Some women from the crowd were even sharing their own stories! They were all talking about it and that was enough for me.

Ever since I’ve been awoken about how wrong women are treated in the society (despite people saying both genders are now equal because women are allowed to vote blargh), I cannot help but be vocal about it. I cannot help but insert it on conversations among friends. And just seeing how my friends are influenced by these beliefs was already fulfilling for me.

But having to spread the awareness to my colleagues? That was beyond everything that I’ve been doing for the past years. I wasn’t just inserting points to them in a conversation. I wasn’t just making sarcasm about how women are treated. I wasn’t just rolling my eyes and expressing disagreement on how the world works. I was actually conducting a proper discussion about the whole thing–with prepared PowerPoint slides and notes and sample videos to back up my statements!

I would never know if that tiny thing I did was enough to sink into the minds of everyone in that room. But I was lucky enough to get my voice out there.

Transitions

Daily Prompt : Horizon

Dammit I forgot to take a picture! Right so the sun finally came up yesterday. It has been pouring for the past few weeks. It was not really easy for everyone since the weather caused terrible flooding in the city (I missed one work day because of that!).

Yesterday, I having a discussion with C whether or not he’d take me home. I didn’t have a problem with someone taking me home. I was thinking about the mode of transport we’ll be using–which was his motorcycle. Sure it’s fun on a summer day but trust me, it’s not really convenient on a wet, slippery pavement with the cold, strong wind rushing past you.

But we ended up using it. Halfway home, which was 4 miles from the city, you get to pass this highway in the middle of the rice fields. And the moment we got there, the dark clouds disappeared, finally revealing the afternoon sun. The sky went from gray to a light sky blue in just a matter of seconds. The sunlight trickled through the leaves of the trees and spread through the fields.

The colors of the horizon complemented so well you’d think you’re in a finale of a film. And you can almost hear this song at a distance.

What a perfect day for a motorcycle ride.

 

Quick Thanks!

I was about to say that I am thankful of the same things I was thankful of last year–family, friends and loved ones. Although I am still thankful of these same things I was thankful of last year, I realized I am also thankful of the gigantic lessons I’ve learned about life. This year has really opened my heart and mind to a lot of thoughts that I wasn’t paying attention to for the past several years. Things like, kindness to other people and being spiritually fulfilled. I have witnessed all that from the events that happened this year.

I’m thankful for that time I got to hang out with people from the Missionaries of the Poor. I’m thankful for that life changing company retreat. I’m thankful for the inspiring conversations with my boss. I’m thankful for the road trips with my friends. Heck, I’m even thankful for the awful fights with my mom and those bad days with C. Because moments like these can really give you a good shake.

I guess that’s about it. Right now, I only have a few words. I sort of don’t want to give details on my plans this year. I’m afraid of jinxing it. But I do have a lot of hope this coming year.

Cheers!

Be at Peace, Be at Peace Evermore

Whatever things I said in all those reflection papers involving spiritual programs (Recollection, retreats and outreach activities) back in college, they were all lies. In those moments where I should be a person for others,  there was never that feeling of fulfillment. I never felt a deeper relationship with God or emotional cleansing or simply just inner peace. In fact, I never felt anything important. I’m sorry, I’ve always thought of myself as a writer of truth but yeah, I wrote my way out of those requirements. I’m not proud.

But things have changed and I am now over the obsessions of passing grades. We were privileged enough to experience a company retreat and an outreach program and they all just happened within the span of a month. So I want to tell you about these recent experiences with these spiritual programs and how my feelings toward them drastically changed.

We held our company retreat at some organic farm sprawled at the foot of a mountain that is a few minutes away from the heart of the city. To be honest, I wasn’t that excited. Aside from my past experiences with retreats, the word “organic farm” didn’t really sound appealing to me and I imagined that it was just a plot of land in the middle of nowhere. But as it turns out, the place was actually really nice. It looked more than a vacation home rather than an organic farm and I almost expected a pool.

Now, it would be a bore to narrate every activity we had so lets jump to the part where I reflect on a lot of things. The whole event has actually brought me ease and I was able to let go of this one big burden that I probably have been carrying in my heart for many months now. I may never even pinpoint what sort of burden it was but there was definitely something there that has been affecting my productivity. Whatever it was, it has made me feel indifferent to the people relying on my skills.

There is this story I heard in a podcast and it’s about this doctor who had that same feelings about her job. No, she wasn’t bored of being a doctor. She didn’t hate her job. She still does her work perfectly well except her heart wasn’t in it. Her work had became such a routine that she didn’t have to think about it while doing it. And the scary part was when it came to the point when she told her patient he can go even though he wasn’t ready. A few hours later, the patient died because his body couldn’t take it and it’s all because she didn’t check on him.

Now, I don’t think a client would actually die if I didn’t put my heart on my job. But I will. Eventually. Not in a physical sense, but in a way where I’d just turn into this mindless, unemotional, pair of hands that work so she could finish her job in exchange for this bits of paper we call money. And shit,  I’ve always told myself I will never be like this but here we are.

I want to care. I want to see things in these people’s eyes. I want to understand what they want, what they believe in and what they hope for. I want to be by their side until the project is done. I want them to rely on me. I want to perfect my craft while I put my heart into it. And I get that I haven’t been that kind of person lately. But I’m starting to pick myself up and I’m trying really hard not miss out even the tiniest details of my work. It may be tiresome but the little things are important. And if get to hang myself around in those tiny details, I may do it within a limited amount time.

It has also cleared up my vision when it comes to decision making. There was a point actually where I want to quit everything. That time when I was in my grandma’s, I almost did not want to go back to the city. It was the only place that I get to clear my mind. But I realized, you didn’t have to go somewhere far off just to figure stuff out. The event really opened my eyes and it was as if the engines inside my head started running again.

The effects of the outreach program isn’t any different. In celebration of our boss’ birthday, he decided to spend time with the people from the Missionaries of the Poor. It’s sort of a home for those who are either orphaned or left abandoned by their families. We had this huge party where we danced the whole afternoon. It’s probably the wildest yet the most fulfilling party ever. Well, probably the only party I’ve ever been to this year.

I have now come to believe that these programs or anything that involves reflection and spiritual guidance is a necessity to everyone especially in the age of adulthood. I guess at this age, we now often forget stuff. Sometimes, we believe that one thing is urgent because it’s on deadline and we completely forget about other stuff like dinners (which when you think about it also has limits in time. I mean, you can’t expect scheduling dinners whenever you want, can you?). Well, we don’t actually forget but we just put priorities in a weird order.

Year 1 ft. Skyrim

Celebrated our first anniversary last week which also happened to be his birthday. You know, a year ago I declared his birthday to be also our anniversary because I thought it would be practical when it comes to buying gifts. Now I realized how much pressure it actually is to look for the perfect gift that would weigh as much as the celebration it was for.

But I guess it’s a year late to be changing that now. I mean, we did have a great lunch. It wasn’t perfect and we were showered with deadlines, but it was a great day. And do you know the best anniversary gift I received that any girl would dream of having on this special occasion? A Video Card!

Now if anyone here does not conform to this ridiculously awesome taste, let me tell you, in a less technical way of how much I need this thing. A video card or a graphics card is this essential computer part where you get to have the best, and the most aesthetically pleasing look on the graphics especially on video games. This is where you get to see more refined hair and fur textures. You get to see characters in detail even at a distance. You get to see more sparks and flames and glass shards on scenes. Everything is in detail while the performance is still smooth.

And as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been living in the world of Skyrim so you see how this connects to everything. Yes, the Skyrim hype is far from over. I play it for almost 10 hours in a weekend and its the only thing I ever talk about. It’s an adventure game set in the medieval period. In it, there are these endless quests and each quest has a separate storyline that you get to follow. Also, there’s a ripple of consequences in every decision you make which makes it very compelling.

Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is the one great thing I come home to after a long day at work. I mean, my family is great too but this whole world that I get to be in, is something else. Here, I can be who I want to be and time is never the limit. Right now, I am a professional thief, a member of this creepy family of assassins, a werewolf, a bard, a thane in four different cities who also have the privilege of owning four different houses in each of the cities, a husband to a loving and beautiful huntress, a hero to the Gods and a friend to many.

And there will be a lot more. To be honest my friendship with the people in Skyrim really comes from my eagerness to help. I never said “no” to anyone ever which makes me open to a lot of quests. Now that I think about it, I kinda wish I had that same attitude in real life.

Anyway, this was supposed to be an anniversary blog and I just filled it with Skyrim nonsense. But yeah it has been a great year for both of us. I have come to realize that when you get into a relationship, you do not only get to know the other person. You start to unravel things about yourself. You get to see what kind of person you are under pressure. You get to see what makes you tick and what triggers you. You also get to see how far would you go out of intense anger or love or joy.

I can say I have been blessed having this person in my life. More stories this year, love.

Late HS Awkwardness

Valentine’s day was a bit awkward. I don’t mean that in an awful way, it’s just that I feel like I’m that high school teenage girl experiencing a lot of things for the first time in her life. You know when she has heard a million stories about these things and she thinks she’s ready for them but deep down she hasn’t got the slightest clue on how these things work out. There’s a lot to take in and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.

My friends told me that I should open myself up more and just let myself show that I am delighted. Which I do! I mean, in a way that I am comfortable of. Okay so whenever I receive something maybe like a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates, the first thought that comes to my mind is that these easily consumed items don’t really have any significant use. But understanding the message that is universally acknowledged about the custom of presenting these things make me feel grateful. Even if my appreciation is shown from the series of awkward mumbles as I subconsciously avoid the other person’s eyes. And yes, I feel really guilty for that.

I told my mom about it. She chuckled and told me that I am just so much like my father. He’s the type to say thank you in silence but the moment you stop doing things that he’s “thankful” for, he gets really grumpy.

It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s just that I don’t know what to do with it when I receive it. I guess, with the months that has passed, I am still not used to it. I mean, if my 10 year old self could see me, she’d literally laugh her ass off. Whatever is happening right now could be like the greatest plot twist for everyone from my childhood who thought that I would grow up a lesbian.

Which goes to the fact I still get weirdly embarrassed being seen by other people who I’ve known over the years. I would duck under the table or turn the opposite way, afraid of being taunted that I am now dating and is now an actual girl–which I already am from the moment of my birth I don’t even know why I feel this way?  Can’t I have a quiet and peaceful and intimate relationship with another male human being without anyone buzzing around? Why can’t these people let me be?

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The Iconic Vase of Valentine’s 2017

But hey, most of the time the”buzzing around” is mostly just inside my head but we’ll have to wait and see. Although, there is something about that awkward Valentine’s day that I failed to realize. And it wasn’t until a few days later that I  thought about it.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to let the other person do all the trouble for you. The best thing to do is to let them stay up all night just to write letters for you. Let them spend money to buy chocolates and flowers for you. Let them do wild gestures of endearment that could either cause public disturbance or eternal embarrassment. I have been saying that these things are not important and that it’s okay not to receive anything but really, it’s not about me at all.

There is that feeling of delight when you do something for the person you love. And you don’t even realize the inconvenience of it. And so we just have to let them.