Tag Archives: love

Be at Peace, Be at Peace Evermore

Whatever things I said in all those reflection papers involving spiritual programs (Recollection, retreats and outreach activities) back in college, they were all lies. In those moments where I should be a person for others,  there was never that feeling of fulfillment. I never felt a deeper relationship with God or emotional cleansing or simply just inner peace. In fact, I never felt anything important. I’m sorry, I’ve always thought of myself as a writer of truth but yeah, I wrote my way out of those requirements. I’m not proud.

But things have changed and I am now over the obsessions of passing grades. We were privileged enough to experience a company retreat and an outreach program and they all just happened within the span of a month. So I want to tell you about these recent experiences with these spiritual programs and how my feelings toward them drastically changed.

We held our company retreat at some organic farm sprawled at the foot of a mountain that is a few minutes away from the heart of the city. To be honest, I wasn’t that excited. Aside from my past experiences with retreats, the word “organic farm” didn’t really sound appealing to me and I imagined that it was just a plot of land in the middle of nowhere. But as it turns out, the place was actually really nice. It looked more than a vacation home rather than an organic farm and I almost expected a pool.

Now, it would be a bore to narrate every activity we had so lets jump to the part where I reflect on a lot of things. The whole event has actually brought me ease and I was able to let go of this one big burden that I probably have been carrying in my heart for many months now. I may never even pinpoint what sort of burden it was but there was definitely something there that has been affecting my productivity. Whatever it was, it has made me feel indifferent to the people relying on my skills.

There is this story I heard in a podcast and it’s about this doctor who had that same feelings about her job. No, she wasn’t bored of being a doctor. She didn’t hate her job. She still does her work perfectly well except her heart wasn’t in it. Her work had became such a routine that she didn’t have to think about it while doing it. And the scary part was when it came to the point when she told her patient he can go even though he wasn’t ready. A few hours later, the patient died because his body couldn’t take it and it’s all because she didn’t check on him.

Now, I don’t think a client would actually die if I didn’t put my heart on my job. But I will. Eventually. Not in a physical sense, but in a way where I’d just turn into this mindless, unemotional, pair of hands that work so she could finish her job in exchange for this bits of paper we call money. And shit,  I’ve always told myself I will never be like this but here we are.

I want to care. I want to see things in these people’s eyes. I want to understand what they want, what they believe in and what they hope for. I want to be by their side until the project is done. I want them to rely on me. I want to perfect my craft while I put my heart into it. And I get that I haven’t been that kind of person lately. But I’m starting to pick myself up and I’m trying really hard not miss out even the tiniest details of my work. It may be tiresome but the little things are important. And if get to hang myself around in those tiny details, I may do it within a limited amount time.

It has also cleared up my vision when it comes to decision making. There was a point actually where I want to quit everything. That time when I was in my grandma’s, I almost did not want to go back to the city. It was the only place that I get to clear my mind. But I realized, you didn’t have to go somewhere far off just to figure stuff out. The event really opened my eyes and it was as if the engines inside my head started running again.

The effects of the outreach program isn’t any different. In celebration of our boss’ birthday, he decided to spend time with the people from the Missionaries of the Poor. It’s sort of a home for those who are either orphaned or left abandoned by their families. We had this huge party where we danced the whole afternoon. It’s probably the wildest yet the most fulfilling party ever. Well, probably the only party I’ve ever been to this year.

I have now come to believe that these programs or anything that involves reflection and spiritual guidance is a necessity to everyone especially in the age of adulthood. I guess at this age, we now often forget stuff. Sometimes, we believe that one thing is urgent because it’s on deadline and we completely forget about other stuff like dinners (which when you think about it also has limits in time. I mean, you can’t expect scheduling dinners whenever you want, can you?). Well, we don’t actually forget but we just put priorities in a weird order.

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Year 1 ft. Skyrim

Celebrated our first anniversary last week which also happened to be his birthday. You know, a year ago I declared his birthday to be also our anniversary because I thought it would be practical when it comes to buying gifts. Now I realized how much pressure it actually is to look for the perfect gift that would weigh as much as the celebration it was for.

But I guess it’s a year late to be changing that now. I mean, we did have a great lunch. It wasn’t perfect and we were showered with deadlines, but it was a great day. And do you know the best anniversary gift I received that any girl would dream of having on this special occasion? A Video Card!

Now if anyone here does not conform to this ridiculously awesome taste, let me tell you, in a less technical way of how much I need this thing. A video card or a graphics card is this essential computer part where you get to have the best, and the most aesthetically pleasing look on the graphics especially on video games. This is where you get to see more refined hair and fur textures. You get to see characters in detail even at a distance. You get to see more sparks and flames and glass shards on scenes. Everything is in detail while the performance is still smooth.

And as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been living in the world of Skyrim so you see how this connects to everything. Yes, the Skyrim hype is far from over. I play it for almost 10 hours in a weekend and its the only thing I ever talk about. It’s an adventure game set in the medieval period. In it, there are these endless quests and each quest has a separate storyline that you get to follow. Also, there’s a ripple of consequences in every decision you make which makes it very compelling.

Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is the one great thing I come home to after a long day at work. I mean, my family is great too but this whole world that I get to be in, is something else. Here, I can be who I want to be and time is never the limit. Right now, I am a professional thief, a member of this creepy family of assassins, a werewolf, a bard, a thane in four different cities who also have the privilege of owning four different houses in each of the cities, a husband to a loving and beautiful huntress, a hero to the Gods and a friend to many.

And there will be a lot more. To be honest my friendship with the people in Skyrim really comes from my eagerness to help. I never said “no” to anyone ever which makes me open to a lot of quests. Now that I think about it, I kinda wish I had that same attitude in real life.

Anyway, this was supposed to be an anniversary blog and I just filled it with Skyrim nonsense. But yeah it has been a great year for both of us. I have come to realize that when you get into a relationship, you do not only get to know the other person. You start to unravel things about yourself. You get to see what kind of person you are under pressure. You get to see what makes you tick and what triggers you. You also get to see how far would you go out of intense anger or love or joy.

I can say I have been blessed having this person in my life. More stories this year, love.

Late HS Awkwardness

Valentine’s day was a bit awkward. I don’t mean that in an awful way, it’s just that I feel like I’m that high school teenage girl experiencing a lot of things for the first time in her life. You know when she has heard a million stories about these things and she thinks she’s ready for them but deep down she hasn’t got the slightest clue on how these things work out. There’s a lot to take in and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.

My friends told me that I should open myself up more and just let myself show that I am delighted. Which I do! I mean, in a way that I am comfortable of. Okay so whenever I receive something maybe like a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates, the first thought that comes to my mind is that these easily consumed items don’t really have any significant use. But understanding the message that is universally acknowledged about the custom of presenting these things make me feel grateful. Even if my appreciation is shown from the series of awkward mumbles as I subconsciously avoid the other person’s eyes. And yes, I feel really guilty for that.

I told my mom about it. She chuckled and told me that I am just so much like my father. He’s the type to say thank you in silence but the moment you stop doing things that he’s “thankful” for, he gets really grumpy.

It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s just that I don’t know what to do with it when I receive it. I guess, with the months that has passed, I am still not used to it. I mean, if my 10 year old self could see me, she’d literally laugh her ass off. Whatever is happening right now could be like the greatest plot twist for everyone from my childhood who thought that I would grow up a lesbian.

Which goes to the fact I still get weirdly embarrassed being seen by other people who I’ve known over the years. I would duck under the table or turn the opposite way, afraid of being taunted that I am now dating and is now an actual girl–which I already am from the moment of my birth I don’t even know why I feel this way?  Can’t I have a quiet and peaceful and intimate relationship with another male human being without anyone buzzing around? Why can’t these people let me be?

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The Iconic Vase of Valentine’s 2017

But hey, most of the time the”buzzing around” is mostly just inside my head but we’ll have to wait and see. Although, there is something about that awkward Valentine’s day that I failed to realize. And it wasn’t until a few days later that I  thought about it.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to let the other person do all the trouble for you. The best thing to do is to let them stay up all night just to write letters for you. Let them spend money to buy chocolates and flowers for you. Let them do wild gestures of endearment that could either cause public disturbance or eternal embarrassment. I have been saying that these things are not important and that it’s okay not to receive anything but really, it’s not about me at all.

There is that feeling of delight when you do something for the person you love. And you don’t even realize the inconvenience of it. And so we just have to let them.

HM + Steroids

To be honest, the main reason why I am writing to you is because I haven’t updated my blog for a long time. As you both know, things have been happening in my life. This post is my way to give myself another chance to express my feelings through a medium that I have grown used to for the past years.

Happy Anniversary to you guys. I can still remember the shocking revelations that I had to absorb a year ago. It was in those moments when jokes aren’t really jokes at all and things like feelings can actually happen. Thank you for being honest with those feelings and I am just really proud of you both. I am happy that the long distance is coming to an end and that you can finally flirt each other to your heart’s content.

Too bad, I won’t be able to be with you guys like we planned. But let’s be real, you don’t really want a disgusted cockblocker 24/7. I don’t want to be that annoying friend who ruins things. Just please come home when you have the time. Even if you guys are finally in each other’s arms, you still have friends here. Don’t be those assholes who forget things and make excuses about it.

You’re still the reality that I never had. Although, this time, I can now say it without bitterness. Trust me, I’m starting to feel okay about stuff.

Have fun with your lives and Please know that I love you both.

Also, bring jellybeans when you come home.

-S.

Tips

It’s always fun to look back on the person you used to be and the stupid things you did and how far you’ve got to where you are now. And you’d probably think about the things you could have done and also the things you wish you didn’t. But then again based from the laws of temporal paradox, if you had and hadn’t done those things, then you wouldn’t be thinking about doing and not doing…those things.

So I was 16 when I entered college and well, I was a different person back then. I’m not saying I’m already perfect now. I mean, chances are in a few years, I’ll probably look back at this exact moment and think about the things that could have and shouldn’t have done.

But I wrote a list of the few things I would tell myself four years ago. You know, just in case I had a chance.

  1. Detachments are horrible fuckers but that doesn’t mean they are not important.
  2. Shipping your friends are fun. But always support them with their current relationship even if it did not end the way you want it to be. Remember that whoever the person they end up with makes them very happy.
  3. Don’t hate girls. Instead, protect them and work with them to end patriarchal oppression.
  4. Your relationship with your parents will get stronger and you’ll find yourself getting clingier as time goes by.
  5. You are going to have weird romantic thoughts among your friends. The classic “what ifs”.That’s okay. Just as long as you will not dwell on those thoughts too much because it’s gonna get complicated if you do.
  6. Stressed? Upset? Furious? Bored? Take a stroll around the city. It will make you feel better. (also, stop by the Booksale if you have the time.)
  7. Always find time to read.
  8. Rape and racist jokes are not funny.
  9. You do not get to hate the people who love the stuff that you hate. And you do not get to hate the people who are confident with themselves. Hate will get you nowhere.
  10. Listen to the songs your friends love. Those are their stories.
  11. “Guilty pleasure” is a social construct. Scream your guilty pleasures to the world.
  12. Coffee gives you power but should be used with great caution.
  13. You will never see films the same way again.
  14. When you apologize, don’t make it passive and make sure you take responsibility of your mistakes.
  15. When you forgive, you are to not bring up the mistake of the person. Like ever.
  16. Don’t sleep anymore if you’re only going to sleep for like 1-3 hours. You’ll get a headache.
  17. Don’t slam your keyboard or punch the monitor when the software has error. Learn to stay calm even when things fuck up.
  18. Give people time to grow. Don’t hate them for their choices and opinions because you yourself were on the same place and mindset before.
  19. Be genuinely proud of the people who came out.
  20. Write when you feel like it.

Two Decades of Existence

Before anything else, let’s just talk about this post on my Tumblr account 5 years ago. Yeah, back then I thought this was how Tumblr works.

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It’s funny because yesterday was my 20th and clearly I’ve been through some shit since that moment I was wondering how a 15-year old feels like. Wow. I’m 20. I’ve been existing for two decades.

When I was a kid, I’ve always thought of 20 as an adult with serious life commitments and responsibilities. I wasn’t informed that it was also the time when you’re this sleep deprived, caffeinated, crying college student who’s terrified of what shall become of her when school kicks her out into the real world.

But enough of that, let’s save it for some other day. I’m gonna talk about how I celebrated my birthday yesterday with the people I love.

So, I had the time to catch up with my weird-ass high school friends (who are currently fangirling over this musical called Hamilton). No photo to prove that. I guess, no one actually has a decent camera phone to use. But I had fun and it’s been a while and I missed them so much.

And in the afternoon I get to spend time with some of my college squad. As usual, these people never failed to make an ordinary day hilarious.

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And I have gifts! It’s been a while since I last received an actual gift on my birthday. I felt like crying because…well I don’t know. I didn’t really expect them from my friends and it was something I never looked forward to every birthday because I rarely had one and…okay I’m tearing up.

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  1. I got a framed photo of me as a Taylor Swift 1989 album from my really hot photographer friend complete with my initials and the year I was born. Now I can brag to my kids someday.
  2. The Admin Assistant of the office I used to work in was sweet enough to give a notebook.
  3. My stupid, weird-ass friend gave me a cactus. Yeah, she knows me well enough that she gave a low maintenance plant because I suck at taking responsibilities on things like these.
  4. I got a can of fabulous fries from this fake bitch that I should have bullied more because I think that’s her basis on giving gifts to people. But I love her.
  5. And it’s been a while since someone gave me a book as a present! Actually it’s a graphic novel of the life and times of Johnny Cash from a really curly friend. I am geeking out right now!

So that’s how my day went. I also got calls from long distance friends and had a great dinner with my family.

It was a fun day and I couldn’t ask for more.

I Found the Fantastic Feelings

I’m not crying. It’s just a trailer of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them on my eye. Like how am I even alive right now? OMG

This is a really, really big deal for me because it’s been a while since I last put excitement in my heart for a Harry Potter film. Well, technically it’s just an extension of the world of Harry Potter but it’s still really important. The feelings may not be exactly the same as the last time but we don’t really have a choice. It’s the only thing we have these days.

I’m not saying that the whole craze is dead (because it will never be), I’m just saying that this is a whole new beginning to everyone who had ever loved the world that queen J.K Rowling has built. I can still feel the sting of July 15, 2011. That was the release of the final installment and I was really really sad it’s like parting from an old friend.

You know, funny thing about books is that you can really feel how long the span of years the story took place. Like for example, in the Harry Potter series, it took 7 years of adventures with him and IT DID FEEL LIKE 7 YEARS HAD PASSED even though you’ve read the series for like…idk…two months? I FELT IT. It felt like I too had some maturity gained from each book. Even in the epilogue part, I still felt like I was part of it.

Now matter what part of the timeline in the story the author was telling me, it never felt like a flashback or a fast forward. To me, it was always present tense. And I am there.

I don’t know if this makes sense but that’s one thing why I like reading. It’s like being in an Avatar State where your physical body is in a certain position you find comfortable with a book on your hand and your soul being in another world waving wands and fighting off monsters and training dragons.

And you don’t even have to move around. Well, you can make a face or read some cool dialogues aloud (I do this a lot at home, I would want to talk about this sometime) and the feeling would still be so raw that you could feel the exhaustion, the nostalgia, the loss, the relief and all the things you can relate with the characters until the very last page.

The film may not have Harry, Ron, Hermione or any other familiar characters but that feeling of seeing an old friend once again after a very long time is the same as watching this 1 minute trailer.