Quiet Time

I have come to realize that the older I get, the drive of creating something slowly fades. This gradual disability to convert ideas into any form of art is killing me and at this very moment, I am very anxious of what shall become of me in the future.

I have a wonderful life. I am incredibly lucky to have a job that supports my basic needs in an environment where everyone is treated with respect. I am blessed to have a beautiful family that supports me in every decision I make. I am in a relationship with a really great person who is appreciative and patient. I have awesome friends who, despite of the great distances of where we work, still find ways to keep in touch with me. Basically, one look and you would think that my life is going swell.

But in the spirit of honesty, there is something that is sort of lacking and it has caused a constant annoying voice inside my head that has been nagging me for a really long time.

Obviously, I have not been writing (or rather posting) as often as I used to. This blog is supposed to be this one great story of my youth that I shall read about when I get old. But how am I supposed to look back when there is nothing to look back to? It is frustrating to look at my recent posts dating months back. I miss the uncontrollable twitches of my fingers everytime I had the urge of pouring out stuff from my head. I miss finding meaning of the simplest words just to make sure it fits my sentences. I miss doing research for additional information when I talk about something that does not leave my mind. I miss rearranging sentences to make my paragraphs easier to follow. I miss eliminating phrases when I rewrite the things that I’ve written from my notebook to this website. I miss sparking up flames on the tiniest thoughts and turning them into something that I can be proud of. I miss getting overwhelmed by people who I can never thank enough for appreciating the things that I produce.

I am still not giving up though. I am still looking for ways to fix this. I am hopeful for the day when I get over this even if it may take quite a while.


My co-workers and I decided to visit the ADAAF–the annual animation festival in our old beloved university last week. One of the main reasons of going was giving our trainees (who were also animation students from the southern part of the region) a tour of the curriculum that our Alma mater has but I guess we’ve completely forgotten about that the moment my friends and I stepped inside the convention hall.

It’s been a while visiting the old university and seeing our old friends just brought us back to the old college days when we ourselves were participants of the said event. Now, we’re just guests. The ADAAF was still the same: the dim lights of the venue, the audio in full blast bass, the ushers and usherettes hovering over, the students sitting by the ballot boxes and the 3d character fest silently showing off at the back. The only difference would probably seeing less familiar people than last year and these people were far more skillful than us lol.

At the last day, the day of the awarding, my friends won and I am just really proud of them for rocking it. It was decided to take the celebration somewhere we can get together with other college friends. And of course, I’d probably go on talking about how much I’ve missed them and my college years but come on! I really did miss them.

Although another thing happened that night. As our tipsy breaths surrounded the table, a friend started crying. This night was one of those nights when she was not chained into some responsibility and that she actually accepted our invites and I guess that’s the reason for her being this emotional. Then she started talking about the things that I’ve been writing about every time I get together with my friends: how she missed the group so much and how everything is not like it used to. I mean, after this night, we’ll all go back to our own worlds consumed by deadlines and bills. And then we went on talking about the stupidest, craziest things that we did in college and myself also started tearing up (although I didn’t make it that obvious) because dammit college was one of the greatest years of my life and 80% of this blog is filled with stories about it!

Anyway, to top the after-grad changes, is probably how much we’ve gotten over our vices. The one pack of cigarettes was now enough for everyone. The night that used to end at 4 in the morning now became a fun memory because by 2, we all started feeling drowsy. Really, I am now more conscious of my health it’s wild.

I know I haven’t been making that much entries like I used to. But really, I’ve been engaging myself more in the real world and less in my own thoughts. Also, I used to have a lot of bitterness and woes about how things are not meant to be but now, I’ve completely forgotten about those feelings. And everything that I longed for now completes me.

But I will keep on writing here for as much as I can.

Playing Hedwig’s Theme

When I finished reading the Harry Potter series in high school, I promised myself that I would buy my own copy with my first paycheck.

Fast forward to now, this overwhelming emotion of excitement and satisfaction is taking me over because, just yesterday, I fulfilled that promise to my 14-year old self.

I wasn’t really planning on buying it right away. I actually went to the bookstore to buy a copy of the unabridged version of Les Miserables because I have been listening to the musical for weeks now. Learning that the book I was looking for was not available, I just told myself that maybe I should come back next week. And that’s when I turned around and at that very moment, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of this large box displayed by the corner of that bookstore. I was about to ask myself how many books was inside that it required such size of a box, when I saw it. That iconic name where the letter ‘p’ has a lightning bolt in it. I realized they were everywhere in the bookstore, probably as promos for the upcoming Fantastic Beasts film which is set in the Harry Potter universe.

My heart skipped a beat because it was as if the universe has put that box in that precise corner and that precise angle for my eyes to caught a glimpse of it at that precise moment. And it was as if the universe has put this great scheme of putting any unabridged Les Miserables book away from my sight just so me and this 6 year old dream would be together once and for all.

I didn’t buy it right away. I had to consider things like my weekly budget and budget for Christmas presents and bills. So I let that decision hang for the whole afternoon and went to watch Doctor Strange with my…with someone. Doctor Strange was pretty trippy by the way.

After that, I made up my mind. I can feel it. I don’t know if that was just the illusion of materialism but fuck it I am now sitting here admiring the beloved box of Harry Potter series that now rests on my bedside table.


Not So Secret Anymore

Long ride. Rad travel playlist. Clouds covering the afternoon sun. My head on your shoulder. Your cheek on my forehead. Breathings in synched. Soft exhales. I can now sleep. Quiet affections. Quiet questions. How? The fuck? is this happening? Have you really fallen asleep? But before long, you slipped your hands into mine and smiled. The dimples on your cheeks made a quick appearance. I sat there looking out the window thinking how lucky we are to be alive right now. Very frighting yet very exciting.

We’d talk about this again sometime. Along with the many long rides we’d have.

We are good.

Enthusiasms, gone.

2008. I was a scrawny freshmen kid who got introduced to the Nancy Drew series. I loved her perfect character too much that it came to the point where I printed out every Wikipedia article that I found about her. I tried so hard to memorize every detail about her life, from childhood to her teenage detective years. And that was everything for me.

2009. It was the first time I read the Harry Potter series and the queen, JK Rowling created an entire world about wizards and magic and stuff. It was so huge that exploring it was so much fun. I made this complicated map connecting every character of the series through their lineage, their houses and their social statuses. It was a present for a friend’s birthday.

2010. My friend and I wrote our very first proper fanfiction. We’ve written a few before but they were only shameful short stories that we now bring up every once in a while to annoy each other. It was a crossover of the Harry Potter and Percy Jackson series and it was 34 notebook pages long. Everyday, for more than 6 months, we took turns of continuing the story. And we finished it.

2011. Another friend and I got so obsessed with Scotland that we wrote a short story adapted from a 1954 musical about an old Scottish town that magically appears every 100 years called Brigadoon for an English project. Pretty sure our teacher thought we just made it up but it didn’t matter because doing research about Scottish phrases fed my soul.

I miss this. I miss getting preoccupied of the things that I find interesting and just making it the center of my life to the point of total madness. Right now, the way I get interested over stuff feels unacceptably mediocre and it just sucks.  I miss caring less about people looking at me in a funny way because of my obsessions. Hell, I miss having obsessions for people to look at me in a funny way.

On This Post About Friendships

You know, this post infuriates me in so many levels.The moment when a friend thinks that you’ve cut them off, that’s it. You’ve literally been a shitty friend. And you just have to fucking apologize and make up for it.

I get this post. I really do. I mean, you can’t expect friends to be around 24/7. But I just hate the fact that people are using this as an excuse to NOT make contact! Like seriously, we live in an age where technology is beautiful and we can talk to anyone in the world whenever we feel like it. Why not use that blessing to reach out to one another?

Also, having “constant contact” does not mean your proving something. It just basically means you care about a person and you want to know if they’re doing okay. It’s like a basic gesture in human relationships.

Why say you miss your friends when you literally had done nothing to fucking reach out? Cmon, it’s friendship! It’s not like you’re making contact with God.

When you have literally cut people off and you’re using this post to save your ass from being an awful friend? Like seriously that is just pathetic. Because if a person truly matters, you’d do everything for them to stick around. You don’t make these bullshit excuses.

Ma Lea

There was one time when I was playing a Call of Duty game which was set in World War 2. At that time I had played the game numerous of times so I decided to turn off the background music since I did not need to immerse myself fully. Instead, I decided to play the Lea Salonga Playlist that I made on my Spotify account. And the most beautiful thing happened!

There I was, barely holding on to my dear life. My health depletes in every second I fight for my survival with my comrades dying and my cries of despair are drowned by the canons flying above me. Amidst all these maddening chaos, Lea Salonga’s rendition of the old Filipino lullaby, Sa Ugoy ng Duyan started playing in the background. If you don’t know what this song is about, it is about a child longing for the song his/her mother used to sing to him/her at night. You can just imagine how relevant this song is to the scene where soldiers, who were young children once, are far away from their homes and in the middle of a fucking war. And as much as it’s thrilling and entertaining to play, it is also heartbreaking with her version so quiet and raw and only accompanied by the plucking of a guitar . Wow, all these thoughts just because of a Lea Salonga playlist.

After that, I suddenly started listening to my Lea Salonga playlist more often. Too often that I worry I might grew tired of it. But I just can’t stop. I don’t know much about the technicalities of singing, so I’ll probably describe Lea’s voice in the points of view as a listener.

She definitely knows how to turn your day around when you’re incredibly stressed or sad or bored. There has been many many instances when I have this slight panic at work, usually when the client gets a little bit more demanding than usual, and the Lea playlist would make everything calm and she gives you this promise that everything is going to be okay and it does, eventually.

Her Christmas album is my favorite because it made me celebrate Christmas in the middle of July. In it, she has the best speaking tracks I’ve ever heard. You know when you listen to an album and it’s got some unnecessary tracks where the artist just say irrelevant stuff just to fill the album? And you’re like, “Bro, why are you giving me this shit? I don’t need this. I listened to your album because I wanted to hear your singing voice, not this dumb mumbles,” But then you’ve got Lea Salonga talking in her Christmas album and you just fucking shed a tear because she sounded so loving and so nice and she sounded like mom from a Disney film and gah I love her. There is this one track there where she says something like, “Come on, sweetie. Wake up. Time to open your presents,” OMYGOD for a moment you’d expect to have presents for you to open.

I guess the most inspiring thing about her is that she made her passion and talent her life. She understands how good she is and she used every fiber of it and made her way to where she is right now. I mean if that isn’t life goals, I don’t know what is.

I love her too much that I get giddy everytime I see her on twitter. And then there are beautiful moments when she’d have a conversation with the genius Lin-Manuel Miranda, the guy who created Hamilton. I mean, guys just make a collab already. They could like, make a song about a houseplant, I wouldn’t care. I would be so down to it. I would listen to it all day. I would make it my ringtone. Heck, I would lull my future child to sleep with it.

Sometimes I kinda wish they’re my parents. Not as replacements of my own because my mom and dad are the coolest and I wouldn’t trade them for the world but just as my second mom and dad. I mean I know they both have families of their own and stuff but can you just imagine Lin as your dad and Lea as you mom? I can dream, can I?

She’s just everywhere in my life right now and I want to protect this woman at all cost.