Today is the most appropriate day to sing “22” by Taylor Swift. Because, well I just turned 22 and yes, she’s still a part of my life eight years later. And I guess I won’t be singing any more appropriate songs because “When I’m Sixty-four” by The Beatles won’t be coming in another 42 years. Why am I thinking about this too much?
I’m 22 now and so far, my 20s is pretty chill. But this is still the early stages so there’s a chance this might be the calm before the storm. Best be prepared for it. But who is ever prepared for it, really? Who is ever chill when something gigantic happens in someone’s life because she’s been prepared for it?
Anyway, the one observation I can see with this age are how my friends and I talk these days. The fact that we can now casually insert stuff like stock markets, investments, home credit, rates, inflation and loans in our conversations really blows my mind. These things used to be another language for me and now at least one of these things is a part of our lives.
Now, I have been keeping myself busy with personal projects just to get back on my feet. And actually get stuff done. Games and films are now within scheduled days so as not to get myself carried away.
My personal workspace
Shit, I’m a bit terrified that I would fail at this. Again. But I just have to do it. Really do it.
First of all, I may have been smiling the whole ride home and I probably looked like a creep so I hate you for that. But anyway, Happy Birthday. You know, despite of the sweat, the smoke and the heat, I gotta say thank you for being a great companion in my long walks around the city. To be honest I, myself did not really bother thinking about the inconvenience of walking home because it really was fun. And it’s good for my cardio.
There is still a lot of things to thank you but at this very moment, I am in loss of words. Not only because of the usual reason that I’m too lazy but really I am still trying to process the whole thing the has been happening. And to tell you honestly, I am really terrified. I guess I am not really used to all these and deep down I feel like there is a camera zooming on to my sorry ass face just waiting to jump on me and tell me that this is all just a prank and we’re all just having fun.
But you know what? Fuck it. I may not have a fucking a clue on what’s going to happen next? But whatever, okay? I am so fucking ready for this so you bring in the hurricane. And why am I even writing this? lol I doubt that you read these writings but at the same time, I am quite relieved.
I think this is the time when realized you deserve a spot on this site. Even though you bailed on me last night I guess I can give you a birthday pass. We’ve been friends deep and long enough that I don’t care if this whole thing gets too sappy. Get ready for the shower of cheesy compliments I’m about to give you.
There was never a day that wasn’t fun with you. You always have ways of making the most ordinary things hilarious without even trying. And yet you’re one of the few people I talk to on the serious and important matters. Your passion motivates me to have time for the things that I love even if the circumstances does not let me.
Did I ever tell you my favorite memory that I ever had with you? It was the after party of the Summer Camp Premiere. And no, it was not because of what happened that time at the backseat of that tricycle ride on the way to your place when everyone else was wasted and everything was weird and crazy and awkward. It wasn’t that (although it was fun, to be honest *wink wink).
It was because of the overwhelming feeling I felt when we decided to go out someplace quiet and just catch up after a long time of not being able to talk to each other. That feeling that I missed you so much and I was so happy that I get to talk to you again. And then I realized, that is exactly what I’m going to feel when we go separate ways to face the “outside world”.
AAArgh just recently we were talking about the weird phases we had and I can’t help but think that it’s gonna be really different in the coming months. You gave me this really cool and meaningful and fun college life that I’ll be proud to tell stories about!
I do hope that you get to live your dreams (because of the benefits I’m gonna get in which DO NOT EVER FORGET ME when that happens lol). Thanks for the awesome years and happy birthday, seestra.
On second thoughts, I do have something to say, actually. But no, it’s not everyone’s obligation to know or understand. This thing is addressed to you. Yes you. You may or may not know who you are but yeah this is for you and I’m doing this for my friend.
She misses you. Like a lot. There was never a day that she didn’t think about you. Literally. I mean, she’s been trying real hard to be casual around you. You know, like waiting minutes before she reply to your messages despite getting so giddy when you talk to her. I have no idea what on earth did you do to her that made her this crazy and stupid and weird and madly fallen.
As much as I wanted my old friend back, I guess I can’t. She’s running around this prairie of temporary happiness. And she’s enjoying every moment of it while it lasts. She knows it’s never going to be. She understands that.
But things can’t get normal anymore when you’re around. Whenever she sees you, it’s all speechlessness and uncontrollable beatings of the heart . Everything stops. And I have to smack her right in the face just so she could come to her senses.
I’m not asking for any help from you to solve this madness. I know you can’t do anything about it . I can’t. Hell, I don’t think she can too.
So here’s a random doodle of a zombie to lighten things up in this cold and heartless and devastating world.
You are the least expected person to know that much about my life. And vice versa, I don’t even think that I’m the closest person who’ll be interested in your life. But here we are. You started off as a recurring character in my circle of friends. I never really knew that much about you and I never really cared. But I guess, as years went by we just sorta stuck.
And I’m quiet thankful for putting up with me for the past years. I mean, I never really had regrets on being mean to you but you know, I never hated you. I mean who could? You’ve always been thoughtful to your friends. You know how to listen and you’re the person to trust on big stories. And you’re really funny. I guess that’s the reason why I started hanging out with you in the first place. You’re humor is so relatable that it does not require intense thought. Everyone gets it that’s why it’s funny.
I’l forever treasure the first important conversation we ever had back at that senior’s tribute after party. When we decided to go out, have some air and talk. It’s funny how it took us 3 years to open ourselves up to each other. But that doesn’t stop being me from being mean to you. Just so you know.
Now here we are, on the last page, you and me. There isn’t really much more to say to you because I’ve written you entries more than enough for you to absorb. Plus an amazing chatbox filled with honesty and endearment and one helluvah friendship that I’ll cherish to my grave.
I’ve lived a short life and I never thought I’d have the chance of actually caring for someone. I thought I’d never experience wanting to be with a person and sometimes destroying myself in the process. But even so, I am eternally grateful (lels using the word “eternally” is really weird and appropriate at this time).
Please take care of yourself. Have a long pleasant walk when you feel the need to think things through. Remember breaks and rest days but never forget to give time to the people you love. If there’s anything death has ever taught me is that we should keep the important people around.
You wanna know something cool? I just defied the considered universal truth these days that there is no forever. Think about it, the moment I stopped breathing, that was the moment when my time in this world also stopped. It may have not stopped my body from withering but all the memories and feelings and thoughts I ever had is now frozen in time. It shall never be tweaked nor broken nor destroyed. They will never change. It’s gonna be the way it is forever.
I don’t know much about afterlife. Everyone who I would probably ask about it is now dead. But I’d like to believe that wherever I’m going, I’d carry those feelings for you with me.
So whenever you’re feeling sad or alone or like the whole world has turned its back against you, always remember that I’m here and I’m always gonna be on your side and I’m always gonna love you. Forever. (HA! tell your future relationship to beat that!)
But seriously, I’ll be watchin’ over ya. So no worries.
Have a great life.
I swear I’m not wishing for death but sometimes I feel like I’m ready. Also I was bored.
I never had the chance to say something of sense because last night everything was really fuzzy and weird and my thoughts didn’t match my words anymore. So I guess this is where I should organize everything I wanted to say before you embark your journey towards pure adulthood.
That guy is an asshole. He’s not worth your time plus you don’t deserve to be treated like you’re some disposable thing that he gets mad at whenever you fail to function. You are a precious human being who deserves someone who will treat you with respect and with great love. I have no idea when that person is going to come to your life but for now, you have a great big future ahead of you and that is something we can all look forward to. You surpassed the sleepless hours of work and the torturous anticipation of grades and I salute you for that.
Your honesty with your feelings is something I admire about you alongside your achievements. Despite my words of bitterness and everyday distress against your relationship, I can’t help but feel protective over the both of you. You’re the reality that I will never have. You’re the everyday daydreams and the things the could have been but never were. Just because there are things in my life that can never be, that doesn’t mean that yours will be as cold and as hopeless. That’s why, I want you to know that I’ll always have your back. Both of you.
And right now, as I start to drift off to sleep because of the shitty hangover I had from last night in this very room where, for the first time, I poured everything out without fear or second thoughts to the few people I trust most, I start to wake up from the fantasy I’ve been living in for the past couple of months.