I have come to realize that the older I get, the drive of creating something slowly fades. This gradual disability to convert ideas into any form of art is killing me and at this very moment, I am very anxious of what shall become of me in the future.
I have a wonderful life. I am incredibly lucky to have a job that supports my basic needs in an environment where everyone is treated with respect. I am blessed to have a beautiful family that supports me in every decision I make. I am in a relationship with a really great person who is appreciative and patient. I have awesome friends who, despite of the great distances of where we work, still find ways to keep in touch with me. Basically, one look and you would think that my life is going swell.
But in the spirit of honesty, there is something that is sort of lacking and it has caused a constant annoying voice inside my head that has been nagging me for a really long time.
Obviously, I have not been writing (or rather posting) as often as I used to. This blog is supposed to be this one great story of my youth that I shall read about when I get old. But how am I supposed to look back when there is nothing to look back to? It is frustrating to look at my recent posts dating months back. I miss the uncontrollable twitches of my fingers everytime I had the urge of pouring out stuff from my head. I miss finding meaning of the simplest words just to make sure it fits my sentences. I miss doing research for additional information when I talk about something that does not leave my mind. I miss rearranging sentences to make my paragraphs easier to follow. I miss eliminating phrases when I rewrite the things that I’ve written from my notebook to this website. I miss sparking up flames on the tiniest thoughts and turning them into something that I can be proud of. I miss getting overwhelmed by people who I can never thank enough for appreciating the things that I produce.
I am still not giving up though. I am still looking for ways to fix this. I am hopeful for the day when I get over this even if it may take quite a while.