Wild Thoughts

Today I watched the film Into the Wild directed by Sean Penn and I kinda wished I didn’t especially at a time like this. As you all know, in less than a week, I’ll be graduating. Yey?

Remember the time I was having this drama in my life and said school made everything bearable? Well, there’s another thing why I don’t think I’m ready enough to leave it–School has got these rules and requirements that needed fulfillment and no matter how much I complain about them, these things give me comfort.

There is something contenting about the idea of just following orders. You know, instead of actually having the freedom of making your own rules and dealing with your own shit like any adult would do. At least, that’s what I think adults do after they graduate. Well, unless you’re super rich then congratulations.

I’ve been thinking about my future lately and it terrifies me to be honest. I mean, would I even get a good job considering how much they say the competition is in the industry?Would I even survive the cruel life they say in the city? Would I even fulfill the promises I made to myself for my family? Would I still have the days when I can walk around and reflect on my life? Would I still be happy?

There are thousands of more questions but I’ll probably drift away from my topic if I list them down. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about these things lately before I sleep at night. And now as I think  about the film Into the Wild, it made me question about my life choices even more.

TRIGGER WARNING. The following ideas may contain thoughts on SUICIDE.

To give the brief summary, it’s about a guy named Chris McCandless who chose the life of being alone and exploring nature instead of finding a job like everyone else right after he graduated from college.

It got me thinking, WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF ALL THESE? Why would I want to punish myself physically and emotionally for capitalistic corporations? What do I even owe them? Some bits of paper called money? What do I even owe the society? the world?

What is so bad about living a simple life and not dream big and aim for being on the top? And I don’t mean simple like having a job and routines and all. I mean living in a farm maybe and feeding cows and chicken and walking past rice fields early in the morning. That kind of simple life.

To be honest, I don’t know if my goal is to have a family of my own in the future or it’s just an unwritten rule that everyone made up so that the so called humanity could go further.

My mom always told me that having family means you don’t get to be alone when you grow old but I always wanted to tell her that family is never about blood. Because what if I wanted to explore the world? What if I wanted to learn more about life? I’m done with the proper “education” so why can’t I do what I want? And if they’re saying the reason why I had that education is because I had to serve the society, well what if I don’t want to? What if I just want to turn my back against the civilization and embrace the world god created?

What if that’s how I want to live my life?

Look, you’re probably thinking, oh shit she’s lost it. She’ll probably end up being a homeless and unemployed person and all that. I wish, because that would make difference–choosing to be homeless and unemployed (No offense to the actual homeless and unemployed but ugh I’m trying to make a point here).

But no. I think it all comes to the attachment that I have for my family, especially to my parents. Chris McCandless had reasons why he can easily leave his family without any explanations. I don’t. I had the most loving and supportive parents in the world and leaving them behind like what Chris did would be unreasonable and just cruel. They don’t deserve all that pain and confusion.

A few weeks ago, I watched this Filipino indie film called #Y directed by Gino M. Santos and I think it’s giving the same message. At first I thought it’s about rich people problems. But then I realized how much I relate to it and I’m not even rich.

Basically both films speaks about the pointlessness of the structured society that we live in and how we should live our lives. Even if living this life meant cutting it short when we can’t see the point anymore. Yes, I’m talking about suicide. I don’t know if I’m still talking about film and graduation but whatever thoughts are pouring out and I need to allow my fingertips do the talking.

I don’t know much about suicide but I think the cause is not always because you’re really down and miserable. Sometimes, it’s in those quiet moments when you just decide, things aren’t worth it anymore. Sometimes it’s not an escape from where you are but a decision to where you want to go. There’s no pain or anger or frustration. Nothing. Just the calm realization that you can never win the game of life. But you can definitely beat it.

Yes, I’m probably romanticizing the idea of suicide right now, which I shouldn’t, but it makes sense, somehow.

To be honest, it would be so easy if my family were out of the picture. But they’re not and they’re always going to be a part of me so I’m not committing suicide if that’s what you’re thinking. Anyway, this entry won’t even make sense because these are just thoughts that I had to let out. This is probably just anxiety about the future or the pressure of the responsibilities to come. It may change in the future and I may even disregard everything I said.

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