You know, these days you just can’t afford stuff like anxiety, rage and sadness no matter how much these feelings are consuming you everyday. I want so badly to just lie down and stare at the ceiling and just do nothing all day but I can’t because I don’t have the luxury of accepting the consequences. I can’t because it’s not just me who will carry the burden if I fail. I can’t because it’s not just my life that I’m going to ruin but also the lives of the people I love.
And so I have to force myself every fucking day to get up and work and worry just so I can say to everyone that I’m trying.
It’s like I’m worrying but I don’t feel like doing anything about it.
It’s almost three weeks before the deadline of our final project and I am beyond terrified. I’m not even halfway there. There’s a lot of things I still need to do. I keep having these breaks I don’t even deserve. I don’t have a vision of what I want to do and what I want other people to see.
My 2016 Showreel could be a new music video for Blank Space. Because, it doesn’t contain anything.
I don’t feel like I’m doing my best. The passion that I’m supposed to have isn’t enough to drive me. I feel like the things I’m creating are shit. This is my final project as a student and I feel like I’m fucking things up. Little by little I’m starting to see the ruins of my once dreamed future. Along with that, the disappointment and shame of the people who expected great things from me.
How do you even calm yourself from all this and cram at the same time?
Addition to my current distress, are the toxic people popping up into my life and just making it more miserable. Can’t they just feel the vibe that I don’t want them around? But I have to fucking deal with their presence because I had to act civil and pretend that nothing is wrong when really, I want to strangle them to death. I’m not even joking.
You know, sometimes I feel like I have anger management issues. I don’t know if this is normal but at some point I wrote about someone that I hate and that went like this:
” You know, when I think about my future, I feel like there’s gonna be a point where I end up in prison because of murdering someone. I want to strangle you. I want to slit your throat. If I had a gun I’d shoot you right through your head. This is not even a word play anymore, I’m just damn serious. Did you ever hated someone so much that you are so close to committing a certain crime just so you could satisfy that rage?
And the only thing that’s keeping you sane are the consequences of the law that prohibits anyone to take someone’s life. There is no moral or principle that can give me enough conscience from wishing that person’s demise. And I don’t care anymore if I go to hell for this, I guess we’ll just go there together for a fucking eternity.”
I didn’t post it because I myself was frightened of what I wrote. I felt like people would assume that I’m a criminal and I’d actually go to jail. But I don’t care anymore. At least I’d get to escape my project if I did go to jail.
And then there are some people that make me feel sad every time they cross my mind because of how much distance we grew apart. But then again, I don’t feel like doing something about it because there are things that won’t get justified. And I don’t think it’ll ever be the same again. Because even if we try, I’m still not gonna forget.
I may have shifted feelings from all the things that happened but I will never be okay with it. No matter how much you ask me. Not because I didn’t get what I wanted, but because I felt like I was betrayed and because of how everything turned out.
It’s a really complicated feeling, so I guess you’re just gonna be a sad story in my life that I will try so hard to bury. I’m sorry.
Look, I am not suicidal. But if given the chance, like if I ever was in a situation where I am on the verge of death, then by all means fucking take me already.