I’m just waiting for my last scene to finish its render then I shall composite after. I don’t really plan on getting some sleep tonight so while waiting, I guess I’m just gonna talk about hate.
I’m a peaceful person. As much as possible I avoid having an argument with another individual and so I don’t have enemies (at least, not that I know of). I’m not really a fan of talking back to people and I don’t really like noisy disputes. So usually I keep whatever the things that I want to say inside my head and let it stay there to rot in my heart until everything becomes okay again with that person.
But there are moments when they don’t get okay. I’ve had experiences in my life where certain people have reached the peak of my morals. These people have caused me to carry this certain kind of baggage where feelings like anger and resentment towards them are rested. And I’ve been carrying that baggage for years now. I’m still carrying it at this very moment.
I think that is what hatred really feels like. It’s not something that just causes you disturbance and can be avoided as much as you can. It can seriously affect your whole life especially those big decisions that you are to make. You live you life like a normal human being. You’re okay with some days feeling like shit and you’re also okay with days feeling like you own the whole damn place. But then you cross paths with people like them and suddenly you’re world turns black. And you suddenly want to destroy everything that had to involve with them. It all just becomes pure anger.
I have these moments when I’m watching The Purge which is a film about legalizing crime for 24 hours. And I would dream of my life becoming this one big Kill Bill movie and make the most of that privilege to just pulverize them one by one after weeks of reciting their fucking names every night before I go to bed like fucking Arya Stark.
There are also more awful thoughts like one time, this one particular person that I hated so much got seriously sick and everyone was really concerned and crying and stuff. And I remembered wishing so bad that he dies. I am not proud of that even crossing my mind. That’s just a horrible thing to wish especially when that person has got a family and not at that evil all.
I’ve kept my anger towards them for so long that I guess it’s this stain that’s not gonna go off. And I don’t feel like forgiving all of them. Ever. I didn’t considered it even after I talked about it to my mom (I didn’t mention the part of wishing for this person’s death though).
And you call me a cold, weak and heartless bitch but I don’t care. For one thing, they never bothered to apologize to everything that they did. Also, how am I to guarantee that they’re not gonna do it again?
It’s not really that easy to let go.