Carry That Weight

I used to think that coffee is for keeping you from dozing off whenever you need to finish something overnight. But from the many dramas I’ve encountered in my academic life, I realized coffee is a whole lot more than that. From raging hormones to heavy eyelids, it just basically solves anything.

I don’t even know why I started this entry talking about coffee but right now, to be honest, I am longing for a lot things. The things that I used to do and the people I used to talk to and all those old memories that happened at some point of my life. It happened awhile ago while I was on my ride home and it was 5:30 pm.

And can I just tell you how much 5:30 pm – 6:00 pm makes me feel really off and sad?  It usually takes me back to the days when I was at my grandparents house and there was nothing to do because there wasn’t any technology that would suffice my need of passing time and so I had no choice but to sit by a tree and stare at my grandfather’s rice fields and suddenly, despite of how much I loved the place, I don’t want to be there anymore and that I want to go home.  And with that scenario playing on my head over and over again I couldn’t help but feel the need of going home. And even if I already was home, the feeling does not change. I was feeling homesick inside my own home.

And as I emotionally abuse myself with this sadness I am currently feeling by repeatedly playing this song called Memories of Life from the soundtrack of The Tale of Princess Kaguya, I can’t help but feel this familiar fear of more people inevitably needing to leave. I know that by now I shouldn’t really feel awful about people leaving because it’s a general truth that people come and go. And yet, I don’t understand myself and this heaviness I’m feeling whenever I think about it.

It starts with this thought of the people coming and going and then I would feel sad because sometimes they don’t really come back. And yet to think, I don’t really remember anyone not really coming back. I don’t even remember a scenario in my life that has affected me deeply with regards to being left by the people I’ve come to love. I understand completely that not everyone shall be there with you forever. Even myself shall have to leave other people someday and yet I cannot comprehend the horrible and scary feelings whenever I think about them. What is wrong with me?

For years, every once in a while, these feelings would come to me and there’s really nothing I can do but have a good session of weeping until I fall asleep. It’s quite a difficulty talking about these to other people because I couldn’t really understand the problem behind this which makes it harder to pinpoint what’s wrong. Also, I don’t really want to give other people the wrong idea and make them think that I am in need of attention since this situation is hard to explain and it’s not really that much of a big deal when you think about it.

And so I carry that heaviness with me until I fall asleep with the hope of it disappearing as time would pass by.

It didn’t really make sense but it usually passes.

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