I Blame Myself For This

Forgive me if the following thoughts may be disagreeable but I was just having an existential moment in which I had the moment to think about two of the things that scares me.

The semester had just started and despite my constant expression of delight and how much excited I am to a number of events that shall be occurring before the year ends, I realized, deep down I am scared as hell.

FAILURE

I first think about my family and I’m just really scared of being this one big failure that they had put so much sacrifice and effort on to. The expectations that they are giving me are high and I’m just scared of not being successful enough to reach them. I’m scared of failing my grades and screwing things up and disappointing them and letting them get stuck in a daydream of living a better life. I’m scared of being this huge dream my parents had on me when I was a child that would just turn out to be a big joke. My family have had enough of crappy jokes and bullshit dreams and I’m scared of being another one of them. I’m scared of wanting so much to give them a better life but can’t because of my lack of achievement.

LOSS

I’m scared of losing more friends. I’m scared of having more people fading out of my life and becoming this weight of regret because of letting them go. I’m scared of treating them as passersby when for once they had meant so much to me. I’m scared of not knowing who they are anymore, just the face and name. I’m scared of losing touch to the people who has always been there for me, good times and bad. I’m scared of friends scattering and becoming smaller circles. I’m scared of those circles becoming just me. I’m scared of being on my own.

I know that each of these things have a way of getting solved but, right now I just want to dwell on these thoughts for a while and probably cry myself to sleep. God, I’m such a drama queen. Holla.

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