What Becomes of Me at 4

Twenty-four hours of straight work and what do you get? A trashy output. I am so mad at myself right now. This is just beyond my limits of being a student. I hate it that I just can’t get it right. Seriously, I do like my course and everything it’s just that, sometimes, it’s just too much. Of course, I understand that it is expected to any academic life being demanding for anyone who’s preparing themselves for the future but I’m just SO tired right now.

I am really frustrated. It sucks trying something and then failing OVER and OVER again. I’ve been trying since yesterday morning to fix my project but shitty things just keep happening. And then I just sit there and have this moment of internal screaming and trying to control my urge of smashing the laptop. And then motivation leaves you. and you get nothing but remorse to yourself.

Until awhile ago, about 4:30 am, I finally surrendered. That very moment when it occurred to me that I had been absentmindedly clicking random controls, I stopped and lay down I was so tired , I just wanted to close my eyes and forget about the world.

I thought I was sleeping but it’s amazing how my brain is still so alive despite the exhaustion my body was experiencing plus all these disappointment this work has been giving me. I was still able to think to myself and have this existential crisis.

One thing I’m scared most is probably failing and disappointing all those people who believed in me. And right now, seeing what has become of the fruitless notes I had and tutorials I’ve watched, I could not sleep.

What happens to me then?

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2 thoughts on “What Becomes of Me at 4

  1. sillysili

    Saw the output earlier (did you delete it?). I think you’re trying to do a lot of things at the same time (unless it was required that you put a lot of elements into the work). Try something minimal but with depth?

    Reply
    1. sonicspenny Post author

      I thought of posting it but decided not to haha. Yes, I think I was having difficulties focusing on things. I was having problems with rigging and controls in Maya but I’m ok now. Our teacher gave us more time and I was also able to ask help from my friends. Thank you, I’d definitely try it sometime 😀

      Reply

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