Now You Interpret This Malady

I just came home from a dinner celebration with a family friend and I just find it amusing how much I’ve known them for more than a decade. From the moment I came over, I never had the slightest feeling of being out of place despite the fact that most of the people my friend had invited was from her school. And their house, despite the fact that they’ve just moved in a year ago, had never felt more comfortable than any other houses I’ve been.

It makes me feel happy of how much everything still feels the same despite everyone growing older.

And that’s how I wanted things to be for the years to come to everyone who had ever been important in my life. I don’t want them to end up being someone I don’t know anymore. I don’t want them to forget. It’s sad seeing the same people yet having to speak to them as if you’ve only met them at that very moment.

I know I sound like a hypocrite since I don’t usually keep in touch that much but I’m a human being too and I still feel sentimental values over things. I know that this whole thing is getting a little bit melodramatic but I am just upset over something that has happened or not happened hours before that dinner celebration with that family friend.

I wouldn’t go into full details because it’s awkward to talk about it but here’s the thing I want to say that I haven’t got the chance to say because of shit happening around lately. I don’t even know if it’s you or how our fate is fucked that we can’t even be allowed to see each other to talk things out. Also, this is just me saying so don’t go off thinking we’re teaming up against you and that I represent everyone. No, nobody is involved in me writing this all down. Hell, I don’t even think they know that I wrote this down. I think it’s time to not sugarcoat anything so as not to play safe in saying the things that has been in my mind for a very long time. So it may not sound pretty. And I’m saying sorry in advance.

I just want to say what an ass you are for not facing the consequences of fucking things up by deliberately not showing up yesterday. I am so disappointed in you because you are actually a really mean person who thinks he can just say whatever he wants to say when things don’t please him and now you just run off and say bullshit excuses which makes me hate you even more. And you know how much I looked forward to that day when we finally talk things through? Well, judging from the length and content of this entry, I hope you do. I hate the fact that you are only planning to say sorry to a few particular people when in fact everyone deserves an apology. And if you are planning to reason out that you have done nothing wrong to anyone else, then I want you find some time to think about it because it’s a really dick move if you don’t. I hope you stop making fun of people by insulting them in the harshest, possible way. I hope you stop with the vulgar jokes because it’s already offending some people and I hope you stop saying awful things about people behind their back.

I know some people who’s got a million of things to say to you about how horrible and untrusted you are and just don’t talk about it. And I can’t talk about that myself either.  Well, given all the time you have spent away from us, I hope you’ve figured that out yourself by now. And I hope you get the courage of facing them. I feel sorry for you whenever you try so hard to get attention when obviously everyone is ignoring you. You may deny all these things, but if you keep on reasoning out with opposite to what you’re actually doing, you may end up fucking things up again.

You can’t expect everything to go back to normal even after you’ve said and done what is supposed to be said and done. To be honest, I don’t expect us to be friends again like before. Because things have changed you know. And I’m really sorry. Not only to that fact but also to ignoring you and being so mad at you and talking awful things about you. Yes, you’ve done something wrong but I know that my behavior has also been unacceptable. And so I’m sorry for that. I can see you can be the funniest and the most creative person I know, but well… shit happens.

I may be wrong for everything I just said or for posting this entry in the first place or that this process is immature but I just don’t want to do nothing about all this. I don’t even know if you’ll even be reading this. But I would really want a reasonable explanation and one hell of a closure.


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