Dean’s looking for Sammy

As a kid, I savored the glory of being the favorite. It felt wonderful and the appreciation my parents had given me motivated me to do better. In those years, I’ve lived with the feeling of superiority over my younger sister. And it had been obvious with the pretend games we used to play. I would have the lead role and she would fill up the minor characters. It was obvious with how our parents favored ones achievement over the other. And let’s not forget my victories in all those childhood fights we had. How I triumphed over her smaller, frailer and three years younger body. How I attacked her with my harshest remarks and yes, how I haunted her with the phrases “I’m gonna tell mom” and “You’re adopted”.

Growing up, I was the one who came up with dangerous ideas of fun and she would always tag along and I won’t have any other choice because…well, there was no one else around. She was like my little apprentice who thought of me as a genius when really, those ideas I had were just a series of invitation for our mother to scold us. There were times when I would get away with it and she would suffer the scolding (or a good clout on the ear) because of being too slow but she wouldn’t loathe me. Yeah, she would cry but later on, she would be back on my trail and would be imitating my actions. We don’t go outside the house very often so we didn’t have much playmates that’s why we can’t hate each other because we only had each other.

But as years passed, and I’ve started seeing things more clearly, I realized, that superiority was never fun at all. I was expected to do the right things. Acceptable things. And although my parents never said anything, I can feel that I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. Believe me, I love my parents and I would do everything I can to make their lives better but there are times when I get pressured so much that it scares me to make mistakes and disappoint them. I would always get the thought of “What if something bad happens because I was careless and things started to screw up? What happens then?” Man, I could never forgive myself.

And my sister, No matter how much we got along all these years, deep down, I can feel she feels a kind of hatred towards me. I would hate myself if i was ever on her place. “Why can’t be like your sister?blahblahblah. It just sucks being compared to. I know that people can’t help it, but it’s just annoying how someone is favored for being better than the other. And I never wanted to be someone my sister would hate just because of stupid comparisons that does not even define both of us.

And that’s why I don’t want to come a day when she would turn her back on me because of that issue. That’s why I really try my best to be on her side at all times. I need her. She’s a person who listens so good that it makes you feel good whenever you tell a story. Yeah, I bully her a lot because I love seeing her get pissed but there’s more to that why i love her.

wtf did i just write about. Irrelevant thoughts just pop out on my mind now that I’m alone in our room and my sister went for a vacation.

gawd, when is she coming back.

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