At the Other Side of War

I am so back. Yes. It’s been months of Senior Production madness and I am happy to announce that I submitted my final output and is due to be presented to the panelists this coming Saturday. Of course, I am every bit terrified as any of my classmates but I’m also very relieved that the dreadful thoughts about not being able to pass on time is finally OVER.

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Things you miss about my life (yes, I sometimes pretend that I am a celebrity and that people are actually interested about my life.), well I’m currently obsessed with this musical called Hamilton. And I haven’t even watched it yet because it’s a Broadway show and there isn’t a full video available on Youtube. So what I did is I listened to the two-act playlist while I read the entire lyrics just so I could understand what was happening. It was quite an exciting experience, it’s like listening to an audiobook while reading actual words. Does that make sense?

Anyway it was really informative, entertaining and really moving that I almost cried had it not for my sister’s presence in the room.

Wow. I guess that’s it. I guess listening to a musical is the only interesting thing I can afford to do in the time that I had been quiet. No travels. No new series. No books. No drama. Well, it was hard to risk the little time that we have left.

But I am back now. Currently, I am reading  I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai.

To be honest, the “hiatus” that I had was very disorienting that I am having a hard time constructing words.

Oh and finally, justice has been done in my Pottermore account. I knew I didn;t belong to Ravenclaw-or any other house.

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Theater Thoughts

Yesterday we specifically saved the day just to watch the film, Honor Thy Father by Erik Matti. Lately this film has been circulating all over the internet and the conversations among my squad which kinda heightened our interest in experiencing it. Also, we already have a background on how Erik Matti does his magic when we watched his horror short film, Vesuvius at a sleepover. It still haunted me sometimes at night because Lauren Young’s face—aaah stop thinking about it.

We have been waiting for this film to be shown in our mall theaters for a REALLY. LONG. TIME.  And even though, it is finally open for the people in our city, I don’t think there is justice in showing it only in the most inconvenient time for students like us to watch a film in theaters especially when we have a deadline to chase. You know, in a normal screening of a film you get to choose schedules on what time you can watch it—NO. We only have the 5:15 pm showing.

And y’all know what else? Right at the end of our 12-1:30pm class, we don’t have anywhere else to go. So we found ourselves doing ridiculous ways of killing time at the mall. From making really geeky games about blendshapes to dubbing random strangers to speaking fake foreign languages to dubbing random dolls to escorting each of us to the bathroom. We even thought of fake grocery shopping.

Yeah, we were bored.

But 5:15 came and we found ourselves in an empty theater. Turns out, we, plus a few other viewers, were the only ones there. It was pretty cool at first because it felt like we were in a private screening but then I realized, it was actually kinda sad because no one is paying much attention a really well-thought out film.

Anyway, THE FILM WAS ABSOLUTELY BEYOND WHATEVER WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. I can’t say any more details because the people should really watch it. I don’t understand why is nobody making these types of film a trend? Look, I have nothing against the current mainstream films that are overpowering the film industry of our country. Being a student of a course that is connected to filming, I understand the hardwork everyone put in there.

But I believe this is the time we need films that are more than just making us feel happy or sad or in love or terrified or excited. We need films that are more than a means of entertainment. We need films that leave something inside each and every viewer in that movie theater. We need films that are capable of changing us. We need films that would stupefy us and make us stare off space as the end credits roll and the theater lights go on. We need films that would either make us walk home in silence or make us talk to each other at once because of too much excitement. We need films that would fight for a principle and would mirror the society we are currently living in.

Gosh if I were rich, I would be honored to fund those films.

I’d like to end this entry with a quote by Alan Moore:

“It’s not the job of the artist to give the audience what the audience wants. If the audience knew what they needed, then they wouldn’t be the audience. They would be the artists. It is the job of artists to give the audience what they need.”

Okay before you guys say anything, these photos were taken before the film was showing. The screen was still off and the lights were on. Nothing was playing (not even a commercial or a preview) except the music that kept the people from being bored.

Yeah, I had to say that just in case.

The Day Alaska Died

You know, these days you just can’t afford stuff like anxiety, rage and sadness no matter how much these feelings are consuming you everyday. I want so badly to just lie down and stare at the ceiling and just do nothing all day but I can’t because I don’t have the luxury of accepting the consequences. I can’t because it’s not just me who will carry the burden if I fail. I can’t because it’s not just my life that I’m going to ruin but also the lives of the people I love.

And so I have to force myself every fucking day to get up and work and worry just so I can say to everyone that I’m trying.

It’s like I’m worrying but I don’t feel like doing anything about it.

1. Anxiety

It’s almost three weeks before the deadline of our final project and I am beyond terrified. I’m not even halfway there. There’s a lot of things I still need to do. I keep having these breaks I don’t even deserve. I don’t have a vision of what I want to do and what I want other people to see.

My 2016 Showreel could be a new music video for Blank Space. Because, it doesn’t contain anything.

I don’t feel like I’m doing my best. The passion that I’m supposed to have isn’t enough to drive me.  I feel like the things I’m creating are shit. This is my final project as a student and I feel like I’m fucking things up. Little by little I’m starting to see the ruins of my once dreamed future. Along with that, the disappointment and shame of the people who expected great things from me.

How do you even calm yourself from all this and cram at the same time?

2. Rage

Addition to my current distress, are the toxic people popping up into my life and just making it more miserable. Can’t they just feel the vibe that I don’t want them around? But I have to fucking deal with their presence because I had to act civil and pretend that nothing is wrong when really, I want to strangle them to death. I’m not even joking.

You know, sometimes I feel like I have anger management issues. I don’t know if this is normal but at some point I wrote about someone that I hate and that went like this:

” You know, when I think about my future, I feel like there’s gonna be a point where I end up in prison because of murdering someone. I want to strangle you. I want to slit your throat. If I had a gun I’d shoot you right through your head. This is not even a word play anymore, I’m just damn serious. Did you ever hated someone so much that you are so close to committing a certain crime just so you could satisfy that rage?

And the only thing that’s keeping you sane are the consequences of the law that prohibits anyone to take someone’s life.  There is no moral or principle that can give me enough conscience from wishing that person’s demise. And I don’t care anymore if I go to hell for this, I guess we’ll just go there together for a fucking eternity.”

I didn’t post it because I myself was frightened of what I wrote. I felt like people would assume that I’m a criminal and I’d actually go to jail. But I don’t care anymore. At least I’d get to escape my project if I did go to jail.

3. Sadness

And then there are some people that make me feel sad every time they cross my mind because of how much distance we grew apart. But then again, I don’t feel like doing something about it because there are things that won’t get justified. And I don’t think it’ll ever be the same again. Because even if we try, I’m still not gonna forget.

I may have shifted feelings from all the things that happened but I will never be okay with it. No matter how much you ask me. Not because I didn’t get what I wanted, but because I felt like I was betrayed and because of how everything turned out.

It’s a really complicated feeling, so I guess you’re just gonna be a sad story in my life that I will try so hard to bury. I’m sorry.

Look, I am not suicidal. But if given the chance, like if I ever was in a situation where I am on the verge of death, then by all means fucking take me already.

Two Decades of Existence

Before anything else, let’s just talk about this post on my Tumblr account 5 years ago. Yeah, back then I thought this was how Tumblr works.

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It’s funny because yesterday was my 20th and clearly I’ve been through some shit since that moment I was wondering how a 15-year old feels like. Wow. I’m 20. I’ve been existing for two decades.

When I was a kid, I’ve always thought of 20 as an adult with serious life commitments and responsibilities. I wasn’t informed that it was also the time when you’re this sleep deprived, caffeinated, crying college student who’s terrified of what shall become of her when school kicks her out into the real world.

But enough of that, let’s save it for some other day. I’m gonna talk about how I celebrated my birthday yesterday with the people I love.

So, I had the time to catch up with my weird-ass high school friends (who are currently fangirling over this musical called Hamilton). No photo to prove that. I guess, no one actually has a decent camera phone to use. But I had fun and it’s been a while and I missed them so much.

And in the afternoon I get to spend time with some of my college squad. As usual, these people never failed to make an ordinary day hilarious.

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And I have gifts! It’s been a while since I last received an actual gift on my birthday. I felt like crying because…well I don’t know. I didn’t really expect them from my friends and it was something I never looked forward to every birthday because I rarely had one and…okay I’m tearing up.

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  1. I got a framed photo of me as a Taylor Swift 1989 album from my really hot photographer friend complete with my initials and the year I was born. Now I can brag to my kids someday.
  2. The Admin Assistant of the office I used to work in was sweet enough to give a notebook.
  3. My stupid, weird-ass friend gave me a cactus. Yeah, she knows me well enough that she gave a low maintenance plant because I suck at taking responsibilities on things like these.
  4. I got a can of fabulous fries from this fake bitch that I should have bullied more because I think that’s her basis on giving gifts to people. But I love her.
  5. And it’s been a while since someone gave me a book as a present! Actually it’s a graphic novel of the life and times of Johnny Cash from a really curly friend. I am geeking out right now!

So that’s how my day went. I also got calls from long distance friends and had a great dinner with my family.

It was a fun day and I couldn’t ask for more.

Folkin’ Around (part 1)

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If you’re wondering who was able to make a miracle out of these two basic people and transform them into…whoever you see in the pictures, it was because of this really hot photographer–so hot that you’d wish he’s the one posing for the pictures.

you’ll find him here. Yah, you can talk him out for a shoot or something.

 

New Year in a Few Hours

I can’t believe that in a few hours, it’s gonna be the turn of another year. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was welcoming 2015 in my life and now I will be saying goodbye to it.

This is the year that I get to be recognized by the people not just from where I am but also from far away places. I get to have the best production teams anyone could possibly have! I get to meet wonderful people that inspired me to do well on my work and I got the chance to explore my field. And right now, I am working my way to graduation which is only a few ways down the road (so fingers crossed on that one).

I’m thankful for the friends who are still in my life from my stinky childhood to my awkward years to the sleepless and caffeinated nights. I hope it’ll still be the same for this coming year. And no, stop telling that we’re all going different ways this year, you cold ass bitch.

What else, Oh I get to speak (even for tiniest bit…like just a tone higher) for my rights and ideals. I know I’m a long way to go to have the courage to actually fight for it, but it’s a good start.

And this year taught me to let go of the things that don’t make me happy. To be honest, I am thankful that I’m starting the year ready to forget all the shitty and toxic stuff and just get on with my life.

Despite the lack of more words to describe it, this year truly was one helluvah ride.

Cheers to everyone!

Long Live the Dead Hero

And the last book of the year goes to…Rizal Without the Overcoat by Ambeth OcampoAlso, I didn’t know he was a guy and it wasn’t until I was in the middle of the book that I realized his name wasn’t Annabeth Ocampo (way to go Rick Riordan).

Well the reason I bought this book is because I’ve been watching too many documentaries about the old times and I thought I might find books about it. And this baby is not as expensive as the others. So yey!

I’m not much of a history buff. I never liked history exams because I had to memorize a LOT. But there is something about discussions, especially of those really passionate teachers, that let me focus for an hour and a half and just imagine how things happened.

So anyway, It was a great book. I won’t go and tell you the details of what I’ve learned because y’all should read it. Jose Rizal was a really cool guy. Whether it’s because of his experience or his studies, he sure knew a LOT. I mean, if he were alive today, I wouldn’t be friends with him. I would be so shy and awkward and just be so intimidated by his coolness. And if he ever talked to me, I would pleasure myself to just follow him around and listen to his daily life. I think I would forget to ask him the important unanswered questions of this day about him and just be dumbfounded by his presence.

Yeah that is how great he was. But of course, it wasn’t his “coolness” that made him the national hero. I guess it was because of how he used his coolness to speak the truth and awaken the people from the abuse of the colonial rules. He is important because we can learn from his ideals and actions and make him a role model so that someday, we can speak the truth ourselves.

Look, I don’t believe that this generation is dead just because we are teased of being ignorant and apathetic and worthless and lazy and narcissistic and provocative and all the shitty things that everyone is ranting about us. We kids are more than what we are labeled with. We might not see it right now because we’re clouded with judgement but there is something there. 

To me, the famous quote, “Ang kabataan ay pag-asa ng bayan,” (The youth is the hope of the motherland) by Rizal still rings true as it was first ever uttered. And will always be.

P.S. If Rizal is reading this from the afterlife, I’m sorry I know you didn’t want tributes and stuff. And yeahh… I might have written this on your death day but I’m trying to make a point here so chill.