Where Is That Second Star To The Right?

I don’t know how many attempts I’ve had in making a single entry about what’s been going on with my life. And you have no idea how long this entry has been left on the draft section waiting to get posted. It’s shouldn’t even be that hard because there’s a LOT of things that is in need of telling.

But the drastic inability to convert experiences and thoughts into words has been terrifying me. Along with that, my loss in interest in reading and my passion for sketching.

I am starting to feel frustrated. I keep telling myself that maybe I should give myself a break. I mean, I just got out of school and that I should have fun and stuff or maybe this is all just a phase and that I had to give myself some time to get my mind off things. I mean, I’m still on the adjustment period because of having an actual job and all and that changed my daily routines entirely.

It does take most of my time considering I would often leave the house at 8 am and come home at 10 in the evening from Mondays to Fridays. And on weekends, well, I haven’t had a day off on a weekend because I’ve been going to places a lot in which you won’t know about because I haven’t been talking about them.

But then again what if it’s not just a phase? What if this is the driveless, bookless and dull life that I will have until I grow old and wither away? Is this how you become an adult? That you will have other stuff to think about? And that you will have no time doing the things that you promised to yourself to never stop doing for the rest of your life.

But I’ve known adults who still find time for things outside their jobs that they actually love. And they do it flawlessly. And I wish I could do that too. Because I still want to keep enjoying books and drawing in my free time.

And I want to keep writing for the rest of my life because I don’t want to forget when I tell stories. When I grow old, I want to be the one who lives to tell the stories of my youth. And when I die, I still want to be the one who tells the stories of my youth. And I can only do that by writing about it.

It sounds a bit ambitious because who is ever sure of their future? I mean, who is ever that constant that after periods of experiences in their lives, they still think and want and believe on the same things.

How do you fuel your life with excitement for the things you love? How do you keep interested? Curious? Obsessed? How do you do this when you have priorities set?

Adult in training is horrible.

Bastards and Broken Things

Please don’t cheat on people. It the worst thing you can do to the person who truly loves you. Even if it wasn’t anything serious and it didn’t mean anything. Even if you love the person you cheated on to death and that you would do anything for that person (except be faithful). Even if you didn’t know what the fuck you were doing. Just please, don’t do it. Because even if you’re forgiven in the end, it fucking leaves a great emotional scar to the people who were involved. And it fucking haunts them for the rest of their lives.

It sucks because, once you say sorry there’s this emotional pressure of forgiving you because fucking society says it’s “the right thing to do” and that we should all try to be the “better person”. But fuck it who wants to be the “better person” at situations like this? Do you think that people will still care who they want to be after they have been fucking betrayed by the people they loved for years?

It sucks because even if love triumphs over disappointment and pain, and when the person has fucking done the impossible which is forgiving that son of a bitch, there is still that wishful thinking that this is all just a dream and everything will be okay again when you wake up.

It sucks because even if it’s a lesson of forgiveness and you still love the person no matter what he or she has done, there is always going to be that reminder that promises have been broken because of that one fucking exciting moment where you and those promises have been forgotten.

Please don’t cheat on people.

HM + Steroids

To be honest, the main reason why I am writing to you is because I haven’t updated my blog for a long time. As you both know, things have been happening in my life. This post is my way to give myself another chance to express my feelings through a medium that I have grown used to for the past years.

Happy Anniversary to you guys. I can still remember the shocking revelations that I had to absorb a year ago. It was in those moments when jokes aren’t really jokes at all and things like feelings can actually happen. Thank you for being honest with those feelings and I am just really proud of you both. I am happy that the long distance is coming to an end and that you can finally flirt each other to your heart’s content.

Too bad, I won’t be able to be with you guys like we planned. But let’s be real, you don’t really want a disgusted cockblocker 24/7. I don’t want to be that annoying friend who ruins things. Just please come home when you have the time. Even if you guys are finally in each other’s arms, you still have friends here. Don’t be those assholes who forget things and make excuses about it.

You’re still the reality that I never had. Although, this time, I can now say it without bitterness. Trust me, I’m starting to feel okay about stuff.

Have fun with your lives and Please know that I love you both.

Also, bring jellybeans when you come home.

-S.

I Work?

Here’s the thing, the night after your graduation, despite of what you posted on Twitter, you don’t really have that famous “Now what?” moment. Nope. Basically you’re just pretty tired from standing on heels for hours to have an existential moment. And no, you don’t even have it the next morning because you’ll be too busy planning about that vacation trip with your friends.

You don’t think about it once you get back from that trip because you’ll be busy of the photos that’s been tagged to you on social media. And even if you still give it another week, you won’t have that existential moment because you’ll be wasting you days away on the internet and TV Series. Heck, you’ll be so hooked on the days of doing nothing that you won’t be able to finish even just one chapter of a book.

Plus, you won’t have the slightest urge to have a glimpse of the outside because of the abnormal heat of the summer. Your room is your safe haven and you only go out to eat and clean yourself (and clean the house if your mom screams at you).

But it’s been weeks and now I’m starting to feel some anxiety over what happens next. Clearly I have no idea what to do and what I want to and where I want to do the thing that I’m supposed to do. I am clueless and I am unemployed. I mean I did try to send letters to some companies and it’s a good start but I can’t help but feel weirdly terrified by what is to come. Now that’s your ultimate “Now what?” moment.

But I guess it’s a bit too late to keep talking about that because today is my second day of my first job. Funny because when you think about it, this blog account can sometimes feel so prophetic that for a lot of times it has foreshadowed things from the past events of my life. Although, it can be really frustrating at times because you don’t really know what is it until it actually happens.

So where was I?

To be honest, I was picturing myself working my ass off to sustain my livelihood in the big city. But then I realized that vision is a bit costly. That’s why I chose to stay for awhile so I could help around the house and save some money for whatever future I decide to be in. Besides, I don’t think I’m ready to leave the city and my long, peaceful rides to get there.

The animation studio that I am currently working in is just a short walk away from the university I went to. It’s just a small, air-conditioned room with one PC unit for each employee but the environment feels so familiar because it’s like a combination of the our lab and the office that I worked in as a student assistant.

I can’t say much right now because there’s a lot to process. Not just in the culture and system inside the office but just the fact that I have an actual job. And still, I refuse to consider myself as an adult.

Alsom the decrease of enthusiasm in reading and writing is really starting to terrify me.

Summer Field Trip

The day right after Holy Week, my friends and I had this 5-hour trip to Sorsogon. I’m not new to the place. I’ve been there a couple of times and I’ve learned to understand the dialect from the childhood years I spent there with my grandparents while my parents were in another place because of their jobs. I spent my years there alone and formed a few imaginary friends (I don’t remember any of it but that’s what my mom told me) which made my parents decide I needed to have a sister.

But it was a fun childhood despite my seclusion from the civilization (because my mom’s house was in the mountains). I loved the peace and quite of the farm life with just me and my grandparents. So, before I start talking about this imaginary friend named Manny who hid behind my grandma’s hanged laundry and my first and only dog friend named Kulit, I should probably get on with talking about our trip.

We started at dawn because everyone understood the geographical differences of this place from ours and we can’t waste time. The shuttle bus that we rented at the last minute was perfect and the trip wouldn’t have been possible without it. It was really convenient because we were able to pick up a few friends along the way. Also, with a few convincing lies, we were able to smuggle someone out of her house at the very last minute. It made me feel really guilty in the end when we went home but that friend of mine will totally miss out a LOT if we hadn’t done what we had to do. Basically, she owes me.

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 In the first few hours of the trip, it was filled with energetic chatters and ukulele strums and OPM sing-alongs but later on, everyone realized how long this trip is actually going to be so we went to sleep. 

We had lunch at this expensive-ass Cafe Rosita. I wasn’t feeling great at the time because of sudden carsickness so nothing happened much. Well, I did threw up in the bathroom. Man, that was the first time I threw up in a bathroom sober.

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And then another long-ass, nauseating and death-defying ride to Bulusan Lake. Shit, the view was so much better than I remembered! We spent 20 minutes there taking pictures and shit before doing actual activities. The first one was trekking. It wasn’t really that exciting. We were really just walking around trees and shit. But we did reach this unfinished hanging bridge and when I say unfinished, I mean it’s not yet available for tourists but we did get a chance to walk halfway.

And then with a little persuasion from my friends, I was able to experience kayaking at the lake. I was scared because I’ve heard stories about going out of balance and plunging into that 20-meter deep lake. And between my friend and I, no one really has the sufficient skill in swimming and saving lives. But in the end, It was a surprise that I can maneuver a kayak without difficulty. Although, we did get soaked from too much joking around. Oh well.

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At night, we had dinner at my grandma’s place and it was one of the weirdest feelings in the world. Not because there are 20+ fresh graduates who suddenly showed up at a house that is usually inhabited by two old people. Nope.

You know when it’s like friends are one realm and relatives are another. And your whole personality also changes depending on what realm you’re in. And when these two realms suddenly exist in the same universe (just like what happened to me)  your system gets confused because you now become this one person with two distinct personalities. It’s so weird.

But anyway it was a great dinner and I missed my grandparents.

We went back to our cottage at this surf camp just a few minutes away. The cottage there was cute but it wasn’t cute anymore when it suddenly rained the whole night. I was lucky enough to be one of the few who slept in less discomfort than the others.

The next day, we went to this island which I didn’t know existed if it wasn’t for the remarkable researching ability of my friend. Who would have thought that there is someplace as cool as this.

If you hadn’t noticed, I’m starting to feel a little lazy again and I can’t wait for another day to post this.  So I’ll just put some more pictures here. Y’all probably knew that these photos aren’t mine.

Grad Thoughts from Eventful Weekends

Last week was a blast because there wasn’t a day that didn’t have an event to attend to. I mean there were some events that didn’t really require my attendance but I would probably miss a LOT if I decided to lay down and watch movies at home instead.

So it was my graduation. You know the thing about graduation, is that you don’t really feel much nostalgia and shit until the very end.

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The reality of it, at least in my experience is a few of the following (you know as much as I’m not a fan of listing down things, I’m not really an expert on elaborating stuff without using numbers and bullets so yah):

1. You’re conscious of having the same outfit as someone else because you bought that dress in a department store at the last minute.

2. You pray to the god almighty that you do not trip on your high heels when you walk on the stage to get your dimploma.

3. You’re bored of listening to the thousand of students being called to the stage one by one. Because well, there’s nothing to do since your class has been one of the few courses to be called.

4. The heels are alive with the sound of you crying because FUCK YOU GUYZ it hurt so much. You do realize the we are required to stand most of the time and can you imagine the agony and resentment we felt every second of it. I don’t have anything against people who love them. I understand it’s provocative, sexy and it gives you confidence but when you think about it it’s just impractical and it just hurt so much, okay? Okay, random fact, did you even know that high heels are popularized in the mid-19th century by pornographers? Yeah, u check that out.

5. The 2-oclock summer heat is just mean.

The night before graduation we also had a small tribute to seniors. I’m just proud of my friends, well of us. And the videos were hilarious and sort of nostalgic that I kinda wish we had more time to edit them because for sure, it will bring people to tears.

Then after the whole affairs on graduation, we dragged a few friends and went to another friend’s place (which was quite far) and hiked. It wasn’t really hiking, if you ask me. It’s just a field were cows are fed with a hill on it. But the view was stunning when we decided to wait for the sunset.

After that I went back to my town and spent a few hours with my childhood friends. I’m starting to have a feeling that these meet-ups with them will be a rare event in a few months.

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And we’re planning to go somewhere else after the Holy Week so I’ll probably be back on writing more stuff. You know, before I decide to look for a job or something.

So when you think about it, graduation is just an event. A ceremony where you and your friends gather and celebrate dedication and hardwork and brilliance. But it’s not really a place of ending things. It doesn’t feel like, say, an airport or a terminal where people say actual goodbyes. It’s not a place where people go for real. You’ll probably see the same people the next morning or the next week.

There will be plans on going out and when I think about it, you don’t really have the right time of announcing when you’re going. But sooner or later, those plans are going to die out and little by little people are going to take a shot on being an adult and go far away places and sort their life out. And god knows when those plans are going to come around again.

But that’s okay. It’s good that we’re going somewhere. That’s how we’re supposed to grow. I think the important thing is we don’t miss out. And we don’t forget.

Tips

It’s always fun to look back on the person you used to be and the stupid things you did and how far you’ve got to where you are now. And you’d probably think about the things you could have done and also the things you wish you didn’t. But then again based from the laws of temporal paradox, if you had and hadn’t done those things, then you wouldn’t be thinking about doing and not doing…those things.

So I was 16 when I entered college and well, I was a different person back then. I’m not saying I’m already perfect now. I mean, chances are in a few years, I’ll probably look back at this exact moment and think about the things that could have and shouldn’t have done.

But I wrote a list of the few things I would tell myself four years ago. You know, just in case I had a chance.

  1. Detachments are horrible fuckers but that doesn’t mean they are not important.
  2. Shipping your friends are fun. But always support them with their current relationship even if it did not end the way you want it to be. Remember that whoever the person they end up with makes them very happy.
  3. Don’t hate girls. Instead, protect them and work with them to end patriarchal oppression.
  4. Your relationship with your parents will get stronger and you’ll find yourself getting clingier as time goes by.
  5. You are going to have weird romantic thoughts among your friends. The classic “what ifs”.That’s okay. Just as long as you will not dwell on those thoughts too much because it’s gonna get complicated if you do.
  6. Stressed? Upset? Furious? Bored? Take a stroll around the city. It will make you feel better. (also, stop by the Booksale if you have the time.)
  7. Always find time to read.
  8. Rape and racist jokes are not funny.
  9. You do not get to hate the people who love the stuff that you hate. And you do not get to hate the people who are confident with themselves. Hate will get you nowhere.
  10. Listen to the songs your friends love. Those are their stories.
  11. “Guilty pleasure” is a social construct. Scream your guilty pleasures to the world.
  12. Coffee gives you power but should be used with great caution.
  13. You will never see films the same way again.
  14. When you apologize, don’t make it passive and make sure you take responsibility of your mistakes.
  15. When you forgive, you are to not bring up the mistake of the person. Like ever.
  16. Don’t sleep anymore if you’re only going to sleep for like 1-3 hours. You’ll get a headache.
  17. Don’t slam your keyboard or punch the monitor when the software has error. Learn to stay calm even when things fuck up.
  18. Give people time to grow. Don’t hate them for their choices and opinions because you yourself were on the same place and mindset before.
  19. Be genuinely proud of the people who came out.
  20. Write when you feel like it.