I Broke The Chain woo-hooo

SAM_2314

I’m a bit…disappointed of my lack of commitment. At the beginning of the year, I challenged myself with this. It’s something I learned from Charlie McDonnell in which he learned from the internet in which the internet learned from Jerry Seinfeld. Here I printed out this particular calendar and I promised myself that I had to read everyday. Any book that I like.  And in everyday that I do that task, I’d get to put a big fat  “X” on the corresponding date I did it.

In the first few weeks, It was easy. I was reading books more than I needed to. It was probably because I was still on Christmas break and I was excited about the whole idea. But then things started to fall apart at the start of February. I had a hard time catching up because there were days when I literally didn’t sleep because I needed to finish stuff. And so on the 22nd of February, I’ve forgotten all about it. And on the days after that, the calendar hung unmarked.

I don’t believe this. 2 months. 2 MONTHS. My commitment span couldn’t be any shorter. I was expecting it to be like at least…half a year? What is this? This is just a slap to my face and to the promises I cannot keep and to the expectations I keep on making.

So I had to tear it down to avoid the feeling of spite against myself for not doing a simple task that is reading. Although it did help me with motivation. I was just not dedicated enough.

Right now, I still don’t know what to do with this big empty space on my wall (that is starting to get really distracting). Come to think of it, it’s can be a metaphor of what my life probably is at this moment.

lol. what now.

Carry That Weight

I used to think that coffee is for keeping you from dozing off whenever you need to finish something overnight. But from the many dramas I’ve encountered in my academic life, I realized coffee is a whole lot more than that. From raging hormones to heavy eyelids, it just basically solves anything.

I don’t even know why I started this entry talking about coffee but right now, to be honest, I am longing for a lot things. The things that I used to do and the people I used to talk to and all those old memories that happened at some point of my life. It happened awhile ago while I was on my ride home and it was 5:30 pm.

And can I just tell you how much 5:30 pm – 6:00 pm makes me feel really off and sad?  It usually takes me back to the days when I was at my grandparents house and there was nothing to do because there wasn’t any technology that would suffice my need of passing time and so I had no choice but to sit by a tree and stare at my grandfather’s rice fields and suddenly, despite of how much I loved the place, I don’t want to be there anymore and that I want to go home.  And with that scenario playing on my head over and over again I couldn’t help but feel the need of going home. And even if I already was home, the feeling does not change. I was feeling homesick inside my own home.

And as I emotionally abuse myself with this sadness I am currently feeling by repeatedly playing this song called Memories of Life from the soundtrack of The Tale of Princess Kaguya, I can’t help but feel this familiar fear of more people inevitably needing to leave. I know that by now I shouldn’t really feel awful about people leaving because it’s a general truth that people come and go. And yet, I don’t understand myself and this heaviness I’m feeling whenever I think about it.

It starts with this thought of the people coming and going and then I would feel sad because sometimes they don’t really come back. And yet to think, I don’t really remember anyone not really coming back. I don’t even remember a scenario in my life that has affected me deeply with regards to being left by the people I’ve come to love. I understand completely that not everyone shall be there with you forever. Even myself shall have to leave other people someday and yet I cannot comprehend the horrible and scary feelings whenever I think about them. What is wrong with me?

For years, every once in a while, these feelings would come to me and there’s really nothing I can do but have a good session of weeping until I fall asleep. It’s quite a difficulty talking about these to other people because I couldn’t really understand the problem behind this which makes it harder to pinpoint what’s wrong. Also, I don’t really want to give other people the wrong idea and make them think that I am in need of attention since this situation is hard to explain and it’s not really that much of a big deal when you think about it.

And so I carry that heaviness with me until I fall asleep with the hope of it disappearing as time would pass by.

It didn’t really make sense but it usually passes.

About Love and Bitterness

To be honest, I find Valentine’s Day a really fascinating event and I was never at all bitter about it. The world is just filled with the juiciest acts of valor from people in letting the whole world know about who they love and how much they love them. And with the help of stuff like cards, giant teddy bears and flowers, which is abundant on the streets at this time of year, the acts of endearment are acknowledged and not at all laughed at.

This is the day people get to celebrate love and I believe there is nothing to be bitter about it. Human beings have the capability of empathy and care and putting others before themselves even if it can destroy them and I think it’s just right that we have this one day of commemorating it.

Yes, it may be associated with people in a relationship, well so what? It’s just a fucking day. Why not stop ranting about whatever it is that you don’t have and start being happy for those two people over there with their god knows how much they’ve been through. Those two people who, like the millions of people all around that world, has got loads of stories that can either entertain or inspire anyone who listens.

In my observation, Valentine’s day among the people around me suddenly creates this idea that being in a relationship is too mainstream and that being single is making it’s way as the trend and the new cool thing. I don’t have anything against whatever status anyone has. It’s just that, why should we  make a sort-of competition among the statuses like they’re fighting for a throne or something? It’s sad because suddenly there’s a division and without realizing it, we are all losers whichever part we belong. It’s either we belong to the uncool couples or the bitter singletons.

It’s all a matter of respect. I look forward to the day we evolve to that.

Mamay

My grandmother stayed over for almost 2 weeks and a few days ago my mom asked me to accompany her to the terminal as she was going back to her place. While we were on our way, I looked at her and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of sadness because my grandfather is not there to be with her.

It was a weird feeling because for years, ever since my grandfather had this heart disease and couldn’t bear to travel anymore (in which he eventually passed away because of it), my grandmother has been travelling alone. Whether it may be a 5-hour trip to our mom’s place or a 9-hour trip to her other children’s place. And that was a fucking routine that I never thought much of.

And that ride I had with her, was this sudden burst of reality reminding me that I’ve gotten used to my grandmother’s solitude. I might not look like crying but I knew I was just tasting the saltiness of my gums. Looking at her vacant eyes,  I suddenly realized, that I never saw my grandmother cry. Not even when my grandfather died. She’s this soft spoken lady and there are times that I get to catch her staring blankly at a distance.

And I love her as much as I loved my grandfather.