I Work?

Here’s the thing, the night after your graduation, despite of what you posted on Twitter, you don’t really have that famous “Now what?” moment. Nope. Basically you’re just pretty tired from standing on heels for hours to have an existential moment. And no, you don’t even have it the next morning because you’ll be too busy planning about that vacation trip with your friends.

You don’t think about it once you get back from that trip because you’ll be busy of the photos that’s been tagged to you on social media. And even if you still give it another week, you won’t have that existential moment because you’ll be wasting you days away on the internet and TV Series. Heck, you’ll be so hooked on the days of doing nothing that you won’t be able to finish even just one chapter of a book.

Plus, you won’t have the slightest urge to have a glimpse of the outside because of the abnormal heat of the summer. Your room is your safe haven and you only go out to eat and clean yourself (and clean the house if your mom screams at you).

But it’s been weeks and now I’m starting to feel some anxiety over what happens next. Clearly I have no idea what to do and what I want to and where I want to do the thing that I’m supposed to do. I am clueless and I am unemployed. I mean I did try to send letters to some companies and it’s a good start but I can’t help but feel weirdly terrified by what is to come. Now that’s your ultimate “Now what?” moment.

But I guess it’s a bit too late to keep talking about that because today is my second day of my first job. Funny because when you think about it, this blog account can sometimes feel so prophetic that for a lot of times it has foreshadowed things from the past events of my life. Although, it can be really frustrating at times because you don’t really know what is it until it actually happens.

So where was I?

To be honest, I was picturing myself working my ass off to sustain my livelihood in the big city. But then I realized that vision is a bit costly. That’s why I chose to stay for awhile so I could help around the house and save some money for whatever future I decide to be in. Besides, I don’t think I’m ready to leave the city and my long, peaceful rides to get there.

The animation studio that I am currently working in is just a short walk away from the university I went to. It’s just a small, air-conditioned room with one PC unit for each employee but the environment feels so familiar because it’s like a combination of the our lab and the office that I worked in as a student assistant.

I can’t say much right now because there’s a lot to process. Not just in the culture and system inside the office but just the fact that I have an actual job. And still, I refuse to consider myself as an adult.

Alsom the decrease of enthusiasm in reading and writing is really starting to terrify me.

Summer Field Trip

The day right after Holy Week, my friends and I had this 5-hour trip to Sorsogon. I’m not new to the place. I’ve been there a couple of times and I’ve learned to understand the dialect from the childhood years I spent there with my grandparents while my parents were in another place because of their jobs. I spent my years there alone and formed a few imaginary friends (I don’t remember any of it but that’s what my mom told me) which made my parents decide I needed to have a sister.

But it was a fun childhood despite my seclusion from the civilization (because my mom’s house was in the mountains). I loved the peace and quite of the farm life with just me and my grandparents. So, before I start talking about this imaginary friend named Manny who hid behind my grandma’s hanged laundry and my first and only dog friend named Kulit, I should probably get on with talking about our trip.

We started at dawn because everyone understood the geographical differences of this place from ours and we can’t waste time. The shuttle bus that we rented at the last minute was perfect and the trip wouldn’t have been possible without it. It was really convenient because we were able to pick up a few friends along the way. Also, with a few convincing lies, we were able to smuggle someone out of her house at the very last minute. It made me feel really guilty in the end when we went home but that friend of mine will totally miss out a LOT if we hadn’t done what we had to do. Basically, she owes me.

10399679_1175610459118069_7460878591086062562_n

 In the first few hours of the trip, it was filled with energetic chatters and ukulele strums and OPM sing-alongs but later on, everyone realized how long this trip is actually going to be so we went to sleep. 

We had lunch at this expensive-ass Cafe Rosita. I wasn’t feeling great at the time because of sudden carsickness so nothing happened much. Well, I did threw up in the bathroom. Man, that was the first time I threw up in a bathroom sober.

12439164_1265315943527756_2305055268895045506_n

And then another long-ass, nauseating and death-defying ride to Bulusan Lake. Shit, the view was so much better than I remembered! We spent 20 minutes there taking pictures and shit before doing actual activities. The first one was trekking. It wasn’t really that exciting. We were really just walking around trees and shit. But we did reach this unfinished hanging bridge and when I say unfinished, I mean it’s not yet available for tourists but we did get a chance to walk halfway.

And then with a little persuasion from my friends, I was able to experience kayaking at the lake. I was scared because I’ve heard stories about going out of balance and plunging into that 20-meter deep lake. And between my friend and I, no one really has the sufficient skill in swimming and saving lives. But in the end, It was a surprise that I can maneuver a kayak without difficulty. Although, we did get soaked from too much joking around. Oh well.

12928241_1258609844167070_4064284709804581706_n

At night, we had dinner at my grandma’s place and it was one of the weirdest feelings in the world. Not because there are 20+ fresh graduates who suddenly showed up at a house that is usually inhabited by two old people. Nope.

You know when it’s like friends are one realm and relatives are another. And your whole personality also changes depending on what realm you’re in. And when these two realms suddenly exist in the same universe (just like what happened to me)  your system gets confused because you now become this one person with two distinct personalities. It’s so weird.

But anyway it was a great dinner and I missed my grandparents.

We went back to our cottage at this surf camp just a few minutes away. The cottage there was cute but it wasn’t cute anymore when it suddenly rained the whole night. I was lucky enough to be one of the few who slept in less discomfort than the others.

The next day, we went to this island which I didn’t know existed if it wasn’t for the remarkable researching ability of my friend. Who would have thought that there is someplace as cool as this.

If you hadn’t noticed, I’m starting to feel a little lazy again and I can’t wait for another day to post this.  So I’ll just put some more pictures here. Y’all probably knew that these photos aren’t mine.

Grad Thoughts from Eventful Weekends

Last week was a blast because there wasn’t a day that didn’t have an event to attend to. I mean there were some events that didn’t really require my attendance but I would probably miss a LOT if I decided to lay down and watch movies at home instead.

So it was my graduation. You know the thing about graduation, is that you don’t really feel much nostalgia and shit until the very end.

10530810_1052637134783254_7120148045038671702_n

The reality of it, at least in my experience is a few of the following (you know as much as I’m not a fan of listing down things, I’m not really an expert on elaborating stuff without using numbers and bullets so yah):

1. You’re conscious of having the same outfit as someone else because you bought that dress in a department store at the last minute.

2. You pray to the god almighty that you do not trip on your high heels when you walk on the stage to get your dimploma.

3. You’re bored of listening to the thousand of students being called to the stage one by one. Because well, there’s nothing to do since your class has been one of the few courses to be called.

4. The heels are alive with the sound of you crying because FUCK YOU GUYZ it hurt so much. You do realize the we are required to stand most of the time and can you imagine the agony and resentment we felt every second of it. I don’t have anything against people who love them. I understand it’s provocative, sexy and it gives you confidence but when you think about it it’s just impractical and it just hurt so much, okay? Okay, random fact, did you even know that high heels are popularized in the mid-19th century by pornographers? Yeah, u check that out.

5. The 2-oclock summer heat is just mean.

The night before graduation we also had a small tribute to seniors. I’m just proud of my friends, well of us. And the videos were hilarious and sort of nostalgic that I kinda wish we had more time to edit them because for sure, it will bring people to tears.

Then after the whole affairs on graduation, we dragged a few friends and went to another friend’s place (which was quite far) and hiked. It wasn’t really hiking, if you ask me. It’s just a field were cows are fed with a hill on it. But the view was stunning when we decided to wait for the sunset.

After that I went back to my town and spent a few hours with my childhood friends. I’m starting to have a feeling that these meet-ups with them will be a rare event in a few months.

12674673_975598789184323_592985470_n

And we’re planning to go somewhere else after the Holy Week so I’ll probably be back on writing more stuff. You know, before I decide to look for a job or something.

So when you think about it, graduation is just an event. A ceremony where you and your friends gather and celebrate dedication and hardwork and brilliance. But it’s not really a place of ending things. It doesn’t feel like, say, an airport or a terminal where people say actual goodbyes. It’s not a place where people go for real. You’ll probably see the same people the next morning or the next week.

There will be plans on going out and when I think about it, you don’t really have the right time of announcing when you’re going. But sooner or later, those plans are going to die out and little by little people are going to take a shot on being an adult and go far away places and sort their life out. And god knows when those plans are going to come around again.

But that’s okay. It’s good that we’re going somewhere. That’s how we’re supposed to grow. I think the important thing is we don’t miss out. And we don’t forget.

Tips

It’s always fun to look back on the person you used to be and the stupid things you did and how far you’ve got to where you are now. And you’d probably think about the things you could have done and also the things you wish you didn’t. But then again based from the laws of temporal paradox, if you had and hadn’t done those things, then you wouldn’t be thinking about doing and not doing…those things.

So I was 16 when I entered college and well, I was a different person back then. I’m not saying I’m already perfect now. I mean, chances are in a few years, I’ll probably look back at this exact moment and think about the things that could have and shouldn’t have done.

But I wrote a list of the few things I would tell myself four years ago. You know, just in case I had a chance.

  1. Detachments are horrible fuckers but that doesn’t mean they are not important.
  2. Shipping your friends are fun. But always support them with their current relationship even if it did not end the way you want it to be. Remember that whoever the person they end up with makes them very happy.
  3. Don’t hate girls. Instead, protect them and work with them to end patriarchal oppression.
  4. Your relationship with your parents will get stronger and you’ll find yourself getting clingier as time goes by.
  5. You are going to have weird romantic thoughts among your friends. The classic “what ifs”.That’s okay. Just as long as you will not dwell on those thoughts too much because it’s gonna get complicated if you do.
  6. Stressed? Upset? Furious? Bored? Take a stroll around the city. It will make you feel better. (also, stop by the Booksale if you have the time.)
  7. Always find time to read.
  8. Rape and racist jokes are not funny.
  9. You do not get to hate the people who love the stuff that you hate. And you do not get to hate the people who are confident with themselves. Hate will get you nowhere.
  10. Listen to the songs your friends love. Those are their stories.
  11. “Guilty pleasure” is a social construct. Scream your guilty pleasures to the world.
  12. Coffee gives you power but should be used with great caution.
  13. You will never see films the same way again.
  14. When you apologize, don’t make it passive and make sure you take responsibility of your mistakes.
  15. When you forgive, you are to not bring up the mistake of the person. Like ever.
  16. Don’t sleep anymore if you’re only going to sleep for like 1-3 hours. You’ll get a headache.
  17. Don’t slam your keyboard or punch the monitor when the software has error. Learn to stay calm even when things fuck up.
  18. Give people time to grow. Don’t hate them for their choices and opinions because you yourself were on the same place and mindset before.
  19. Be genuinely proud of the people who came out.
  20. Write when you feel like it.

Folkin’ Around (part 2)

Last night was a bit heavy so I wanted to lighten up this place. Yeah, yeah this theme again?? But how can you not post this? The photos looked so good and I have to shout it to the world. Come on people, this is the only time I’m actually proud of being in front of the camera when I am not making dumb faces like I always do.

I don’t even want to ask for attention in a lowkey manner. I AM BRAGGING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. Just look at it! WOW. Not just me in particular but the whole composition of every photo. I don’t care, if there were more of these photos I’d definitely make a part 3. I looked good and I mean it.

So just quit being so negative. Like how bitter are you?

And yeah this wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for my good friend who I’m going to miss really bad once we all go separate ways. Yeah I’m just gonna cry my eyes out and eat lots of ice cream and watch a marathon of sad coming-of-age films.

Wild Thoughts

Today I watched the film Into the Wild directed by Sean Penn and I kinda wished I didn’t especially at a time like this. As you all know, in less than a week, I’ll be graduating. Yey?

Remember the time I was having this drama in my life and said school made everything bearable? Well, there’s another thing why I don’t think I’m ready enough to leave it–School has got these rules and requirements that needed fulfillment and no matter how much I complain about them, these things give me comfort.

There is something contenting about the idea of just following orders. You know, instead of actually having the freedom of making your own rules and dealing with your own shit like any adult would do. At least, that’s what I think adults do after they graduate. Well, unless you’re super rich then congratulations.

I’ve been thinking about my future lately and it terrifies me to be honest. I mean, would I even get a good job considering how much they say the competition is in the industry?Would I even survive the cruel life they say in the city? Would I even fulfill the promises I made to myself for my family? Would I still have the days when I can walk around and reflect on my life? Would I still be happy?

There are thousands of more questions but I’ll probably drift away from my topic if I list them down. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about these things lately before I sleep at night. And now as I think  about the film Into the Wild, it made me question about my life choices even more.

TRIGGER WARNING. The following ideas may contain thoughts on SUICIDE.

Continue reading

Prenultimate

It has been forever since I went out with my friends and boy, did I ever had the time of my life last night. Well, to be honest it wasn’t really a wild get together that required your full energy to participate. There was no jumping around or screaming at each other or dancing whenever we felt like it. At first I was having second thoughts on coming because I was the only girl there and I was expecting the night would be filled by endless dumb dick jokes and just too much testosterone in the air.

Well it did. Of course it did. But as the bottles went empty and the ashtray becomes full, it turned out to be just a chilly night filled with heavy conversations that covered mostly on the topics of politics and religion. Thank god the heated arguments didn’t turn into fist fights.

But that wasn’t even the original plan. My friend and I have been having thoughts on giving ourselves a one-on-one session to just talk and catch up (even though we have chat conversations every night). And so we did. We talked from 8 to 12 in the evening and then when we went straight to our other friends who happens to be just at the nearby bar.

It would be very tedious if I give details on it but bottomline is, I’m just glad to have a friend like that guy. Because really, there are almost no boundaries when it comes to talking about ourselves. I’m comfortable to trust him with anything whether it may be about drugs, sex, inner flaws, secret hatreds, bad habits and all the things that I keep to myself. I think you really just have to find the right person who’s open minded enough to accept you for who you are and value them like your own life. And it can really make things bearable.

At 4 am we went to McDonald’s and just literally slept there for 2 hours because we had no house to sleep in. I didn’t even eat the chicken sandwich that I ordered. It was pretty embarrassing because people were staring at us when we woke up.

I also had the chance to make important calls last night. Of all the times I registered for a cellphone load, last night would have probably be the most worth it. Well this and that time when John O’Callaghan talked to me on the phone.