I Have A Girlfriend Now…at least that’s what my mom says

My mom and I had the “Lesbihonest talk”. For a few days she has been all irritated and grouchy all of a sudden and I was kind of annoyed because she won’t tell me what’s it about. She’s been saying how my attitude has been getting worse everyday and I don’t understand how it came to be since I feel the same since finals.

She’s been telling me that I have been going out a lot lately and that I always come home late and I was really annoyed because seriously it’s SEMESTRAL BREAK. It’s the two weeks of pure fun and freedom. I told her about the endless invites I had from my friends and she already said yes. Besides, I’ve been working my ass off to survive the semester and I think I deserve a break.

I thought she understood that because I know she would. I mean, she was never strict when it comes to going out with my friends so seriously for the past few days I was really confused of her actions and I was a little bit hurt on how she didn’t really acknowledge my achievements this semester.

She started off saying: “Tell me the truth.”

And in that moment I recalled every lie I told and every wrong thing I did but all of them did not match the weight of my mother’s question. So I was like, what is she talking about? She went on saying I won’t be permitted to go to my friends birthday unless I tell her the truth.

That statement really pissed me off. What truth?! So I told her that if that is the case then I won’t go to that stupid motherfucking birthday even if everyone except me goes. I won’t be going because I won’t be telling any truth because there is no truth she needed to know!

And then she was asking me why am I hanging out with people outside my department and where did all my friends go. Deep down I’m like, am I not allowed to be friends with other people too? What is this???

And then she fucking asked me if I was dating my friend! In case you didn’t know, that friend she’s talking about is a girl. A female person capable of conceiving a child in her womb that comes out of her sex organ called the vagina.

She asked me if I was gay. Behind my back, she’s been connecting the dots. Why am I wearing tshirt and jeans and sneakers all the time? Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Why do walk funny?

I wanted to laugh but I was so pissed that I told her that my choice of wardrobe and absence of male partner does not define my preference. You see, in my family the talk of gender orientation has not yet been completely accepted. Basically they’re conservative. And what my mom’s actions mean is that she’s just worried that if I ever become a homosexual, the stupid society would be talking about me. And I understand her worries. I just wish she wasn’t too mad all the time. Besides I AM STRAIGHT. So there’s nothing to worry about (if there’s anything to be worried about on being gay because seriously being gay is awesome and being gay is one of my secret dreams).

Anyway, it still stung. Not the accusation but the fact that she was thinking about all these things when she should be happy for me that I did not fail my subjects and that I’m off to second semester.

I was still not allowed to go to that birthday. ugh.

Birthday Bliss

So this actually happened awhile ago

Capture

It was Brigid Vaughn’s birthday and I made a tribute to her because she’s really one of the two artists who inspired me when it comes to pursuing art and having my own style (the other one is Phil Noto). I have never felt so privileged when I realized that she reblogged my art (and that I gained some followers and had a lot of notes because of that).

I just want to say to everyone who might be reading this, that if you ever get yourself someone who looks up to you, you should really make a big deal about it. Especially if your social statuses are far from each other and that having to be friends with that person is a bit improbable.

All I’m saying here is the excitement and exuberance and ecstasy you feel when your hero acknowledges your existence even though they need not know about who you are, just the things that connects to you, is really precious.

Capture

Night Time, My Time

I’ve always loved going out at night in a place where there’s not much people roaming around. And everything is quiet and cold. Especially in those moments where you just went through a lot of stress and that night was the only chance you have for peace and relaxation. I’ve been into that kind of night thrice.

The first one was when I was in a friend’s house and we were hanging out on the rooftop at 2 am and just staring at the starless night sky with Lana del Rey singing in the background. That was the night I was convinced of Lana’s beautiful voice. We were all a little bit drunk so it was the perfect time to lie down and just enjoy the silence of mild headaches and bloated tummies.

The second one happened the night before the deadline for the final requirement and we were all in my friends house because we needed each other’s support. And when one of us had to go (it was past 12 midnight), two of us pestered to tag along. So there were four of us (1 driver, 1 passenger and 2 stowaways – all in one motorcycle). It was a painful ride since the average number of people acceptable in a motorcycle ride are probably 2. Also, it was a bit dangerous and we were cautious of the presence of police officers. But man, that ride was fucking awesome. The wind was sweeping past my face and we were all laughing and joking around. And at that moment I knew what Charlie from The Perks of Being A Wallflower felt when he said “And in that moment, I swear we were infinite,”. I finally understood what that infinity meant.

And the third night just happened last night. How lucky I was to have the privilege of experiencing that kind of night last night. I was wondering where I might crash because our group meeting was cancelled and I had nowhere else to go. That time, my friend was texting me and sharing insights about her life and how she felt awful for being so distant for the past semester. I gave her some advice and told her that she should always make the most of it for the people around her even if it’s just for a short while and not think of any other day for her to spend time with that person. I told her that she should always take that chance before they separate again and god knows when will she be able to see them again.

And at that very moment, a pang of guilt swept over me because of my hypocrisy. What right do I even have to talk about these stuff when I myself can be an apathetic asshole. There are moments when it takes a great deal of effort to reach out to a person that you have been too distant with for the longest time that the option you choose is the easier one, which is, getting used to the idea of you both slowly fading away in each other’s lives until you just become strangers.

And right now, I think it’s time to try out the option where I actually do something. And so I grabbed my stuff and headed to her place with no plans, no back-ups, just the queer determination to prove to myself that I can actually care.

We ended up hanging out someplace quiet in their subdivision and just to talk and catch-up.

ketchup.

okay, that ruined things. bye.

War Is Over My Friends and now what?

I survived the hell week. I hope you understand the feeling of exiting your department office’s door with a feeling of ease and freedom after submitting all your requirements for finals. It’s like all the responsibilities for the first semester are left in that air-conditioned room and you’re finally embracing the 2 weeks of semestral break (well, actually I will be in the office the whole time, so it’s a bummer. BUT, I’m free from the sleepless nights. I can now watch the unwatched films rotting in my hard drive). Also, the stop motion we’ve been stressing about for 4 months, got qualified in the 26th GAWAD CCP Film Fest despite of our lack of confidence. Yey.

Anyway, I am looking forward for our next film that we’ll be making next week. and the other invitations I got from my friends. I feel like we’ve been to a war and that now is the time to rest and have fun. Seriously, it has been a tiring semester and we all just need a break.

But still, I don’t want this semestral break to be unproductive. That’s why I’m still thinking of a way to put myself to use and prevent myself from not living a life. I want to learn something or create something. I just want to pick something I love and make something from it since I have all the time  I need right now. But how do I do that while inside an office just waiting my time to off duty? ugh. I’m thinking of writing or reading? Because those are the only options I have. I just hope I can overcome my laziness. Because that’s going to be a problem.

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Too Soon?

It was a sudden spring of wonderfulness. Chest escalating and parts of you dancing to a rhythm that you’re not even familiar with. No wonder how you suck at dancing. and then you see the sudden burst of colors around you and you can hear music when that person speaks. and there’s no hint of incredulity or second thoughts. You just have to go for it.

and then you suddenly confuse yourself with the consequences of your actions afterwards.

How long  would you keep on looking back and reflect on the series of events that happened on that particular rainy day? How long would you connect the dots and make idealistic assumptions with regards to that person’s actions? How long would you scroll through your playlist and choose the right songs to play in your head just to experience the existence of that person? How long would you unconsciously check your phone every once in a while to make sure you’re still in a conversation? How long would you lay and drown yourself to that person’s smell? How long would you consume your time in that particular place just so you could be there? How long would you occupy the spaces between the two of you just to be as close as you can?

How long would you glance at those lips and think of the days that could be but can’t? And imagine a  whole future that can never be lived?

Never have I felt the inarguable injustice of the truth getting slapped to your face and there’s nothing you can do about it but nod and express your agreement. And I know that these things are new to you and that these things are happening way too fast and that it’s just all too overwhelming and you are so fucked up, kid. you are so full of shit. And no matter how much you deny to yourself about what you really feel, there is no escaping the fact that you are so fuckity fucked up and that it’s too painful to let it all go and forget.

Why did all these things have to be exposed too soon. Why do you have to deal with all this in just a matter of days? If this shall cause pain why not let you experience the most of it and hold on to these emotions for the longest time. Why now?

and you were just talking about attachments awhile ago and there you are.

http://nonsenseshenanigans.com/confessional/